According to Todd Zolecki’s blog, the Phillies have re-acquired 2B Tadahito Iguchi. Does this really matter? Who the fuck knows.

The more important news is now that the Phils got Iguchi, you can finally stop hearing announcers, fans, etc. referring to So Taguchi as ‘Iguchi’. I don’t know if anyone else couldn’t stand every fuckin’ time Taguchi came up to bat, some dumbass sitting next to you or some dumbass with squirrel hair and a propensity to talk over the entire broadcast referring to Taguchi as ‘Iguchi’.

Or, this may just lead to more shitty announcing and mix-ups by Wheels. A little Iguchi video(I think I stole from Meech’s Youtube account) after the ‘jump’ (apparently that’s what the kids are saying these days).

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Excuse me, ump, but I couldn’t help notice a slight blunder on your part when you called our man out at first base. I beg to differ, sir. He was safe.

…Oh, no, I beg to differ. He was quite safe.

Really, is that what you think? Well, go get fucked.

You heard me. Pull down your pants and sit on a cock. I don’t care which one. Any cock’ll do, Rooster Cogburn. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have compared you to Rooster Cogburn. At least he had one eye that fucking worked.

You judgmentally retarded asshole. You poor excuse for a callmaker. Ryan beat that tag to first, fuckwit! When a large sack of meat and potatoes like him makes it to the bag safely, you fucking notice it. Well most people would, unless they were busy polishing their head with their anal crevice, as it appears you must have been doing.

So help me God, if this play comes back to bite us in the ass, there is no measure to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep.

Yeah, I saw The Bourne Identity too last night, so what? Fuck you regardless.

Oh, I’m tossed, am I? Well, you know what else you can toss? My salad. Steve Smith isn’t going to stand here and take your shit. Here, have a batting helmet, asshole.

Greetings, n00bs. To those of you unfamiliar with myself, let me introduce… myself:

I am ‘How do you spell retard?’. I will only be addressed as so. You may have seen me on the Deadspins, Joe Sports Fan, The Sports Hernia, or my personal favorite Nudography(username: JornTunsberg). I am prone to both aspects of manic depression(self diagnosed). I went to school with some of Sal’s Pals. My home base is in Burlington County, but am currently located in North Jersey. I enjoy lookin’ for pussy, hitting on teenage girls, Norwegian Black Metal, porno, lifting, getting wasted, and the Phillies. I would describe myself as a combination of Travis Bickle and GG Allin, but physically Jamey Jasta and Ben Savage(with liberty spikes). I can’t stand Larry Anderson, am amused by Wheels’s douchiness.

Like Meech, I have an unhealthy obsession with Sarge and his hats.

Enough about me, there are more important matters:

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One thing I have in common with Stern show sidekick Artie Lange (besides the gambling and heroin addictions) is our deep-seated hatred of all things Mets. Well, I was just listening to the replay of The Howard Stern Show from this morning and had to pass along a funny back-and-forth between Artie Lange and today’s guest, Jerry O’Connell.

Like so many conversations on the Stern show, Howard was asking Jerry O’Connell about his porn viewing habits. Now, just in case you aren’t hip to the celebrity gossip scene, Jerry is married to Rebecca Romijn, who is currently pregnant with twins. Because of that, the former Stand By Me fatty said he hasn’t been getting much sex from his wife lately and has turned to porno to quench his sexual needs. (I apologize if this is getting weird, but trust me, it relates to the joke.)

So, anyway, Jerry was explaining his particular porno fetish; which happens to be zoomed-in, up close shots of the woman’s vagina. That’s when Artie chimed in with the hopes of helping Mr. O’Connell out. He goes:

“You know there used to be a magazine called Assholes & Pussies? All it showed was close-ups of assholes and pussies.”

Jerry seemed intrigued, but then Artie continued,

“Well… it was actually about the Mets.”

OH SNAP! I’m almost positive that was a BUURRRN.

(I cannot wait for tomorrow)

UPDATE: The audio wizards over at Philly SportsCast have the snippet.

The Phillies have this nasty habit of painting themselves into a corner, don’t they? It happened again last night when the bullpen coughed up four runs in the eighth inning to lose their second of three games to the Washington Nationals. Coupled with a surprising sweep of the Brewers — in Milwaukee — by the Mets, the Phightins now find themselves looking up three games at New York with 22 left to play.

It’s been a weird four weeks, to say the least. First, we witnessed a grand debacle of a West Coast road trip, during which the reigning MVP trashed his fans and the struggling Dodgers swept the visiting team. Then, a resurgence of a home stand, with the Phillies exacting revenge on L.A. and rallying in dramatic fashion to overcome a 7-0 deficit to Pedro Martinez and the Mets.

After that, they traveled to one of the toughest home fields in baseball this season, and took two wins out of four from the Cubs. (As mentioned before, an Aramis Ramirez grand slam was all that prevented the Phillies from winning that series outright.) But then, as if to provide some sort of karmic balance to their recent success, the Phils were outscored, 16-15, by one of the worst offensive lineups in the major leagues.

What do you make of all this, if you’re a Phillies fan? I happen to be one, as you might have guessed, as the answer is: I have no damned idea. What I do know is this: The Phillies go to Shea Stadium this weekend, and they’d better win two of three. At least.

Right now it looks as if Hamels and Santana will square off on Sunday. Martinez, according to some reports, is not going to take the mound on Saturday. That may or may not be a good thing for the Phillies. Hamels was not originally scheduled to pitch Sunday, but everyone involved in the decision to move his start forward knows that he’s the best chance this team has to close the gap with New York. Maybe Hamels himself is not crazy about the idea, but desperate times, etc.

Tomorrow night’s game will feature the resurgent Brett Myers (2-0, 1.28 ERA in his last two starts) against Mike Pelfrey. On Saturday it’s Moyer versus Martinez somebody (Hurricane Hannah permitting, of course), and then Hamels facing Santana on Sunday night. As you may have heard, the Eagles are playing sometime during this schedule as well.

The numbers tell us that the Phillies have their work cut out for them: If the Mets finish 11-11 (which doesn’t seem likely), the Phillies would have to go 14-8 to catch them, 15-7 to pass them. Difficult, but not impossible, especially in light of what happened last year. Then again, this isn’t last year.

In conclusion, to cheer up commenter Gonzo, I leave you with this:

Q: “Why did the penis move away?”
A: “It was tired of living next to a couple of nuts and an asshole.”

(THERE’S your damned dick joke, Gonzo!)

Hey Phillies fans — have you ever wanted the most painful sports moment of your life shrunken down and captured in sculpture-form? If your answer is “yes”, then you might want to head up to Toronto for Sunday’s game against the Rays where the first 10,000 lucky fans get a figurine of a celebratory Joe Carter after he hit the World Series-winning home run off of Mitch Williams in ‘93. Have a look-see at the nauseating collectible:

Ugh. It doesn’t get much more depressing than that. Maybe they can make a special statuette of a 14-year old meech.one weeping into his ‘93 N.L. Champs t-shirt if they have time.

I hope this was made from a lead-based paint that poisons all who touch it. Enjoy it, Blue Jay fans.

It hasn’t been fun for opposing catchers to play against the Phillies this year.

First, it was Eric Bruntlett concussing Yadier Molina back in June. Then, Shane Victorino took out Braves backstop Brian McCann in July during his famous “oh, no questions asked” game. Now, yesterday, it was Chase Utley’s turn to mow over a catcher and have him carted off the field in pain.

With 2 outs in the fifth inning and Ryan Howard at bat, Nats pitcher John Lannan tossed over to first to try and pickoff Jayson Werth. Chase Utley, standing on third, saw an opening to put another run on the board and broke for home…

Lookout, Jesus!

“That’s not old school, that’s good school,” Manuel said. “That’s the way you play the game unless you want to put some rouge and makeup and lipstick on.”

So, basically what he was trying to say was, that’s what you do unless you play for the Mets. (You see, because they wear makeup and lipstick)

Utley gives Phillies a crash course in leadership | Daily News

On aside, the Washington Nationals broadcast of a baseball game (from which I ripped the above video) is probably the most boring thing I’ve seen in my life. No wonder people don’t watch them on TV or listen on radio - it’s fucking snoozers. There was a beautifully ugly play that Lastings Milledge made in the fourth inning where he threw the ball straight into the ground after a Ryan Howard double. The fucking broadcast team doesn’t even mention it, let alone replay it.

After two fairly impressive home starts to offset his hiccups out West, new Phillies forum whipping-boy Kyle Kendrick has laid another egg outside the comforts of familiar territory. Against the lowly(?) Nats Kendrick surrendered six runs, all earned, before the fifth inning of a 7-4 loss. As for strikeouts — well, let’s just say that Kendrick has more K’s in his last name than he had on the mound yesterday afternoon.

The statistics do not look kindly on Kendrick: at the Bank, he is 5-3 with an ERA OF 3.69. Opposing batters hit a mediocre .267 against him. On the road, however, it is quite a different story: 6-5 with a 5.69 ERA and an opponent’s batting average of .328.

With J.A. Happ and (God help us) Adam Eaton both called up from the minors, we may see Kyle on a very, very short leash from this point forward.

Only an Aramis Ramirez grand slam in the eighth inning of last Thursday’s game prevented the Fightin’s from capturing three out of four games in Chicago. That would have been a significant accomplishment, given the Cubs’ stinginess with victories for the visiting team at Wrigley Field this season.

Jayson Werth turned in yet another spectacular display of offense in Sunday’s 5-3 win over the Zambrano-less Cubbies. In the last two games, Werth has 7 RBI’s, going 5-for-8 with three home runs. The starting pitching has been outstanding, and after three consecutive implosions the bullpen appears to have righted the ship. J.C. Romero’s chest-pounding performance on Saturday seems to have announced a resurgence of the arms that have helped keep the Phillies within one game of the Mets for control of the National League East.

Did Philly catch a break with Zambrano scratched? There’s no argument here. But the Cubs have a potent offense to compliment their league-best rotation, and 12-game winner Jamie Moyer held them to two runs on eight hits. Meanwhile, Brad Lidge pitched another perfect ninth inning to earn his 33rd save in 33 chances — yawn. This is getting tiresome, Brad. (Please keep it up.)

So now the Phils enter September one game behind the Mets. This is not unfamiliar territory, but far easier to traverse than last season’s rocky terrain. It was at this same time last year that the Phillies swept the Mets in a four-game home stand that, needless to say, had MAJOR ramifications down the stretch.

The good guys begin a three-game road trip tonight against the streaky Washington Nationals, who are in the midst of a 6-game victory spike. The bad guys visit Milwaukee, and then return home for their final home stand ever against the Phillies in Shea Stadium. By that point Charlie’s Crew may have reclaimed the division lead, and this series could be a defining one for both New York and Philly. (They do not meet against in 2008.)

Nine of the last twelve games are against Washington and Atlanta, with the final six all at Citizen’s Bank Park. Before that stretch Florida and Milwaukee both come to town; the Brewers will be intent on sewing up the NL wild card, while the Marlins will likely play their familiar role of spoiler.

With the exception of Milwaukee, this may be the easiest part of the Fightin’s schedule, and it couldn’t come at a better time. Let’s see if the offense and bullpen both can get back on track together. We will also see the return of J.A. Happ (hmm…) and Adam Eaton (yikes).

Stock up on your Pepto, Phillie fans! This is going to be fun.

It was the bottom of the eighth inning, Brett Myers just got knocked out of the game after yet another wonderful start, and the Cubs were threatening to take it to the Phillies bullpen again. Well, at least that’s the most Philly fans were thinking. After blowing 7th inning-or-later leads in the previous two contests at Wrigley, the Phillies bullpen needed someone — anyone — to step in and stop the bleeding.

Enter: J.C. Romero. He promptly struck out Reed Johnson & Ronny Cedeno swinging, walked Kosuke Fukudome to load the bases, and ran the count to 1-2 against the next batter, Geovany Soto.

Then this happened:

“[Romero's celebration] was strong,” added closer Brad Lidge. “It got me pumped up, so that’s a bonus. I go with the more traditional fist pump. I don’t know how else to express it. Maybe someday, I’ll add the chest pound. I might hurt myself though. He’s big-chested, so he can handle it.”

In reality, the bullpen has been fantastic this year; better than anyone could imagine. Hopefully, they just hit a temporary bump and Romero put them back on track. We’ll find out this afternoon when Granpappy is set to face Carlos Zambrano Sean Marshall (thanks, Fuqua!) in the series finale.

Romero’s exuberance pumps up Phils | Phillies.com

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