Pitchers and catchers report today. Those words fill the heart of every baseball fan with thoughts of spring and great anticipation for a new season of hope just around the corner. For Yours Truly — the B-Man himself — I am psyched beyond words. More so that I’ve been in years, as a matter of fact. And I’m here to tell you why.
Although my uniform may look different, the heart of a competitor still beats beneath its logo, and the batting-practice arm of a warrior fills the right sleeve. Banish me to Houston, will you, Mr. Amaro? Fine. Ed Wade and I have a message, and you and those other fools back in Philly better listen up: Today is the day I plot my revenge on the team that made me a champion.
While the Phillies were shooting their wad winning division titles and a World Championship, the Astros (aka, my NEW favorite team) were patiently waiting their turn, not wishing to draw attention to their plan of dominating the National League in 2010 and beyond. What plan, you ask? Why, nothing less devious than pretending to appear to other teams as a mediocre franchise, not wishing to reveal their true potential by cleverly finishing fifth in a six-team division. It’s a classic Wadian tactic, and you guys fell for it! Suckers.
Now it’s time for revenge, and you better believe that, much like my awesome chin beard, the list is growing every day. Here’s just a brief sample of those who should get ready to tremble in their shoes…
1. Charlie Manuel. How dare you pull me from a game just as I was hitting my stride? I do my best work when the bases are loaded and I’ve surrendered three home runs in five innings! “Manager?” Pfft. More like micro-manager.
2. Ruben Amaro, Jr. Bad mistake cutting me loose, amigo. I’m the kind of pitcher franchises are built around, and you’re about to learn that fact the hard way when I step on the mound against that squad of losers you’ve chosen to keep. Watch as I lull your precious Ryan Howard into a state of complacency by allowing him to hit home runs in his first three at-bats! That’s when the Brettster shifts into “lock-down mode,” and when that happens there is nowhere to hide, my friend.
3. Cole Hamels? I’m gunning for you. Now who’s going to hold your hand and dry those precious little lady-tears when the game isn’t going your way? I can’t believe I had to lie to those press weasels and tell them we weren’t fighting during the World Series because you gave up on your teammates. Better hope you don’t face me this year, because I have a gift-wrapped inside fastball with your dainty little name on it.
4. Jose Manero, assistant locker room attendant. You know what you did.
That’s just a taste. As for you Phillies fans out there, take heed: Your team just made a deal with the Devil. Letting me go and signing Roy Halladay tells me you guys simply aren’t committed to winning in the long term. Like a tightly-coiled cobra that figured out how to hold a baseball glove, my Houston teammates and I (who are now total buds, by the way — we go hunting and everything) are going to strike at you with our mighty bat-fangs.
I’m more focused than ever, too. No more out-of-control rage for this flamethrower! Now, whenever I feel like peppering someone with obscenities or throwing a punch, I just reach into my wallet and take out a picture of my beautiful wife. Then I punch that. Crisis averted.
I remember sitting in Ed Wade’s office just moments after signing my new contract. We were smoking cigars, swirling our whiskey glasses, and just cackling with joy over how we were going to make Philly regret cutting me loose. After a few seconds I stopped laughing, but Eddie kept on going.
“Why are you still laughing, Ed?” I had to ask. He said, “Oh, I just remembered this really funny joke I heard at the owners’ meeting last year.” “How does it go?” I asked him. “I’d love to tell you,” he said, “but I traded the rights to that story for two ‘knock-knock’ jokes and a bad pun.” Heh. That’s old Eddie for you.
So be warned, Philadelphia. We dominated you guys last year, and once we figure out how to beat the other 14 teams in the National League, the Astros will be darn near unstoppable.
Mark my words: You will all, each and every one of you, rue the day you cheered me as I rode on top of a parade float and gave me the best memories of my career. I swear it!
- 700 Level
- Crashburn Alley
- High Cheese
- House That Glanville Built
- Philadelphia Will Do
- Philled In
- Philly Gameday
- Philly Gossip
- Phoul Ballz
- The Good Phight
- The Insider
- The Zo Zone
- Where's Weems?
- Who Does He Play For?
- Zoo With Roy