The Fightins'
Aug
02
2010
The Real Title: Ed Wade is the Phillies’ Personal Finger Puppet
Posted by at 6:19 pm ET 45 Comments

Middle-Aged Turtle

That is what the Houston Chronicle* should have run their ‘Phillies are the Antithesis of Astros’ commentary piece as.

*on the first of many side notes, the Houston Chronicle’s website is thechron.com, one of the queerest ways I’ve ever heard a dead industry try to stay hip. Much like the SyFy network and anyone in the 90s who used z’s instead of s’s, you’re look like an uncool ass. TheChron.com standing for ‘The Houston Chronicle’ was the third of my guesses (the first being a weed website, the second being a misspelled fetish group for Crohn’s disease). But I ramble on digress:

Some people are born leaders, many are born as loud mouth pieces of shit who profess leadership, and the rest followers. Ed Wade is in the fourth category, that being the ‘people who like getting peed on and beaten for a living’. In a world where kissassery and sucking your boss’s balls gets you places in life, and questioning your [financial] superiors and giving them sarcastic mockery 24/7 plateaus you, Ed Wade is the king of the brown nose brigade. Just the vile expression on Ed Wade’s face shows you what a pussified assemblage of human parts he truly is. Ed Wade is to ineptitude as Howdy S Thompson is to rape jokes.

In short, I would like to thank the world’s worst skydiver for leaving the Phils. His moronicity has resulted in the following:

Brad Lidge and Beardo for Michael “defensive replacement” Bourn and Geoff “mangled labia face” Geary

The acquistion of the overratin-est, wife-beatin-est, writing pseudonym so we don’t have to deal with the “is he a nail biting reliever or disappointing starter” question.

Roy Oswalt for J.A. Happ.

And the following Phillies washups have appeared on his roster: Chris Coste, Jason Michaels, Matt Kata, Mike Costanza. Wade really loves wiping his face with the Phillies shit.

This Houston Chronicle article compares Philly and Houston for payrolls, wins, attendance, and for some reason, fatness of cities. Not included was the barometric pressure and homeless amputees that blow tourists for bus fare per capita. This strangely organized article proposes this:

“Who would have thought five years ago that the Phils would exceed the Astros?”

The same people who read this:

The Phillies fired Ed Wade as general manager.

The Astros hired Ed Wade as general manager

Enjoy your obesity, shitty newspaper website names, and masochist GMs, Houston (And you Ed, enjoy kissing ass and being an inept corporate goon. It really must suck when you have to live life as a smarmy little turd and still get nowhere. Yes, you may have lots of money and I may be making minimum wage but spending your life in a honest freedom and spewing anonymous hate is much more satisfying than being you. Corporate whore giving shitty handjobs or hate-artist living above his means).

We’ll keep letting Ruben pull the string on Wade’s back so we can take your pitchers.

A fat set of tits belonging to the world’s worst lyricist after the jump:

  • http://twitter.com/petzrawr Ryan

    Holy shit, its Howdy!

  • Matt Stairs

    it took Ed Wade leaving the Phillies to finally do some good for us.

    The Roy Oswalt trade was a big win for the Phillies, as much as I liked J.A Happ and wish we had another lefty in the rotation.

    It was still largely a steal in our favor, although I feel the trade made some sense for Houston as well.

    They were able to get a solid pitcher in J.A Happ, a solid and potentially great 1st Baseman in Wallace, and a high upside guy in Villar.

    We still robbed Houston though, when you factor in the money they gave us and the fact that we didn’t have to give up any essential prospects.

  • Hunter S. Thompson

    Well look who they let out of the psych ward. 5250 holds are the worstest.

  • Jon

    Hooray!! the prodigal son has returned!

  • Phils Phan

    Note that Bourn was an all-star this year. Of course, he was the lone representative of the Astros. Not the greatest, but not bad, either–a more solid career than I imagined he would have, sort of like Marlon Byrd.

    It’s Mike Costanzo, not Costanza. I’m not sure he can qualify as a wash up, but he clearly can qualify as a never been.

    I just want to hit Katy doggie. My imagination of how hard those mammaries swing in coitus is an insatiable delight.

  • BD

    Those things are important

  • Adamr14

    fucking santana

  • Kevin

    I fn love Katy Perry.

  • Mike P

    Thank God HDYSR? is back. I think we can all agree that the quality of Phillies blogs has declined recently due to the lack of the word “funbags.”

  • Greenman!

    Finally tits on this site

  • Jupiter’s Rings

    Oh, look at the funbags on that hose hound.

  • Mark

    Greenman beat me to it. Tits has finally returned indeed.

  • D. Whitmore

    YES!

  • HummerX

    I just needed to change my pants for 2 reasons: Tits and Howdys magnificent return

  • Greenman!

    So I’m listening to the Mets/Braves fans and I can’t decide if I hate the Brave’s constantly sucking Hudson’s Dick or the Cowardly Mets announcers ballwashing every single Braves player

  • Chico Escuela

    I feel kind of dirty pulling for the Mets.

  • http://www.the700level.com Matt P.

    HOWDY!!!! superficial had a Katy Perry post a few Friday afternoons ago. Had to break into my desk-bar and pour one out.

  • D. Whitmore

    other people actually look at thesuperficial? hmm

  • http://www.goldenphila.com maria

    HDYSR?, glad to see you’re still alive.

  • Greenman!

    some “ace” those Mets have

  • Bozo

    Pretty sure I’ve seen Katy Perry wearing Dodgers apparel but I’m pretty sure I’d still fuck her.

  • will.H

    bozo, you must like standing in lines

  • Bozo

    Does that line involve a hot girl in front of me with no clothes on?

    I actually had a big thing for Miley cyrus(I’m 18, relax) but then it looked like a Braves hat she had on in some picture and that just turned me off.

  • GTO

    hahaha welcome home Howdy. Thank you for the Katy Perry chest cannons as well

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    So RAJ gave Ed Wade, Happ, Nada and Nuttin. In return the Fightins get Oswald on the cheap, HDYSR, and Tits.
    The trade just keeps getting better.

  • Bozo

    MLB10 Online rosters got updated yesterday and had Oswalt and D-Brown, nom nom nom nom. Won the two games I played but I gave up 3-4 runs with Oswalt twice and had some success with Brown but not alot.

    I also hit a grand slam off CC Sabathia with Jayson Werth to dead center field that hit the top of the ivy wall and bounced onto Ashburn Alley. Epic fucking bomb, I have the video of it saved on my PS3. I can try and figure out how to upload it later if anyone wants it.

  • Nick

    Cool Bozo. Video games.

  • Nick

    We all play them, but none of us wants to hear about other peoples’ adventures in them.

  • Greenman!

    LMAO Nick, do you want to hear about how I Zerg rushed this guy in Starcraft 2 the other night?

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    You guys are lame for fuckin with Bozo. Back in the day I would be all up in that CB radio, breaker-breaker good buddies. Talkin up my Pong mastery. Cool shit man. Blip………..Blip……..Blip…….

  • Mike P

    I tried playing one of these MLB games once, and found myself incapable of doing it. I have to hit 30 different buttons to pitch, and I have a 1 in 50 chance of hitting the ball?! What happened to the good old days of Bases Loaded 2 and Griffey baseball?! I used to totally rock out with Nails, Dutch, Krukkie, and that fucker Jim Eisenreich (all of whom had bizarre pseudonyms).

    Unfortunately, purchasing a $400 machine so that I can purchase a $70 game that I am completely incapable of playing isn’t all that appealing, no matter how nice the graphics look or how nice it is that they included Shibe Park in their throwback stadiums. If they had the Baker Bowl, though, it might have swayed me.

  • Bozo

    I like to talk, sue me!

    And I have Starcraft 2 running right now so… lol

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    What would be cool is if they had a PED mode. You could play Manny or Big Papi clean or you could juice’m up and find out the real difference.Hell you do the throwback game and see if Babe Ruth were juiced how he would do. Just have a little syringe pop up on the screen from time to time and you could choose to hit it or not.

  • Bozo

    Cap out all their stats then simulate a season, it takes a while but your team can go like 150-12 or something awesome like that. You pretty much blow out and shutout anyone and everyone.

  • Pablo

    Ed Wade definitely sucks the devils cock!

  • Undocorkscrew

    @Greenman….

    How are you ‘listening’ to Braves and Mets fans? Were you one of the 470 people at Turner Field last night.

    I hate the Mets as much as the next guy, but I have to give credit to their broadcasting crew. I think it’s one of the best in the game, actually.

    And Hudson deserves a solid, group BJ for the season he’s having. I understand it’s all luck, but he is having a pretty damn good year on the mound and at the plate.

  • Bozo

    Get the fuck off our website, I don’t think you’ve ever posted when the Braves lose.

  • JohnMatrix

    ed wade looks like that one dinosaur from the land before time

  • JohnMatrix

    or peter gammons with down syndrome

  • Undocorkscrew

    @Bozo….

    First of all, no. I’m not causing any problems here. If I get banned, I get banned. But I personally see absolutely no reason for it.

    Don’t think I’ve ever posted when the Braves lose? They haven’t even played a game today, mate.

  • Skippy
  • http://www.twitter.com/AdamEaton21 Adam Eaton

    @Undocorkscrew Why? Just answer why once…

  • Bozo

    “They haven’t even played a game today, mate.”

    Smartass, you know exactly what I meant.

  • James Fayleez

    Ed Wade should’ve given his chin a no-trade clause.

    Maybe then he wouldn’t have left.

  • http://digg.com/news/gaming/Starcraft_2_CD_Keys Starcraft II CD Key Generator

    Your website isn’t formatted correctly in Chrome, but I have just subbed to your RSS mailing list regardless

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