The Fightins'
The Phillies Offseason
Posted by at 9:21 pm ET 57 Comments

So the lovely Baseball Ladies over at Chicks Dig the Long Ball asked me to do their weekly bit “Cocks in the Hen House” this week. I haven’t really been able to think of anything to write lately due to misery over this Phillies season, so this may not be funny, and it might just depress you even more. But I digress, here is traditional fan’s interpretation of how Rube should handle this offseason.

  • Sweet Dee

    “First off, we need to tell Jayson Werth to fuck right off.” Hahahaha.

  • Mark M.

    Vulgar Schmuck!

  • Kevin

    “traditional” fans – you’re so elitist, tool bag.

  • gregotto

    More vomit fx, please.

  • Tyson

    I’m assuming this mean’s there will be an interpretation from Sabermetrics fan?

  • jake

    atfirst i thought this was an honest opinion.

    andthen you were like, “We don’t need to adress first base, because ryan howard is the best firstbaseman in baseball.”

    and then from there it got really obvious it was a joke. haha

  • Crocks

    I’m surprised at how the Phils possibly resigning Werth has become such a big story lately. As soon as they traded for Oswalt everybody knew they weren’t going to be able to afford Werth and now it’s like everyone forgot or something…

  • FanSince09 now Former Fan

    Forgot to mention trading Coal Hammels. He killed us all season and he’s just getting older. Free up all his salary and resign Werth and CLIFF LEE!!!

  • Drew


    On an unrelated note, tonight was the night, two years ago, when the Phillies almost clinched the World Series, until the weather gods decreed otherwise. I remember this because it was the day my daughter was born; and that night my wife and I sat together in a tiny hospital room with everything that was important in the world snuggled between us, and watched the Phils almost win the whole damn thing. I was so hoping the good guys were going to pull it out this year. Having game 1 of the World Series happen on my daughter’s second birthday would’ve lent a great synchronicity to the whole thing. But, that’s life. And baseball.

    A disappointing end to a crazy season, but we can’t downplay a division championship and the best record in baseball. This is still a great team. Here’s to watching the Phils in the WS with my 3-year-old in 2011!

  • Garo

    @Drew, that is literally my exact same story. Daughter born on Day 1 of Game 5, came home on Day 2. Twist: my second one is due any day. I was hoping for a repeat (and if you think I didn’t time my wife’s pregnancies for this, you’re wrong).

  • mas

    ahh the fightin’s, bringing people (and their babies) together.

  • J

    Bahaha letting Romero walk.

  • Drew

    @Garo, that’s great! Congrats. My second is due just in time for spring training; maybe she’ll be a harbinger of good things to come…

  • Bozo

    Whether or not the Phillies resign Werth was going to be a huge story from Day 1 of Spring Training. I hope they do sign him and maybe I’ll email Jim Salisbury and ask him if he feels like a jackass for saying “Werth won’t be back” and stuff like that.

  • Jessica

    “I wish that pun was intended.” Bahahahahaha. WIN!

  • FanSince11PMOn102710

    Cliff Lee sucks. Don’t try to sign him!

  • Jim Salisbury

    Werth still won’t be back (and other concurring sentiments)

  • Jake

    Soooo perfect.

  • Greenman!

    Roy Halladay never gave up 5 runs in a post season game… take that Cliff Lee!

  • Tyler

    Fuckin LOL when you mention trading Blanton for JEFF FRANCOUER

  • Maera

    Where’s the suggestion about what to do with Utley? I thought all “traditional” fans knew the Phillies need to trade him because his defense is bad and he was terrible in the playoffs.

  • Only Going to Get Sadder


  • Greg Dobbs

    I like you too baby

  • chen

    Finally I’m laughing again!

  • Jayson Werth

    If I play for the Giants next season I DO NOT want those idiotic fans waving orange pom poms when I caome to bat. I will make sure my man Scott puts that in the contract.

  • The Green Monster

    Somebody call dent wizard in advance.

  • Morandini’s Triple Play

    @21: Chase Utley’s been a great Phil for a long time, but if Ruben’s phone rings, I think he should at least listen.
    Let the flames begin.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    Just as everyone expected the juggernaut Giants pummeled Lee.

  • Greenman!

    are we in bizzarro land? what the fuck is going on with the Giants. THEY ARENT THAT GOOD!

  • Shamels Raul Wertiz

    @Greenman!- Read my mind.

  • dub bub

    love this

  • Uribe

    ef you all for not believing in me!

  • Juan Uribe’s Home Runs

    They’re an illusion. Werth actually caught that ball and the one from last night was in a dream. the Phillies are really playing in the Worls Series and Roy Halladay kicked Cliff Lee’s ass last night. Literally kicked it.

  • Eric

    @27 – You guys make my head hurt. What exactly is Ruben going to get back to make it worthwhile?

    The bigger problem is that if you start selling off cornerstones, nobody is going to want to sign a contract here without a NTC. Right now big ticket FAs want to come here.. start treating your heart and soul players like dickheads and see how little people think of us again.

  • Ibanez

    Please trade me to the Astros for Carlos Lee, if we don’t sign werth. Werth is gonna want 5-6 yrs….f dat and his beard

  • Eric

    And on the topic of Werth.. I hope to god we don’t sign him. I can’t tolerate anymore big contracts with you guys. We finally get players to come play here.. they perform.. and we still hate them. We hate Howard, we seem to now hate Utley?, Victorino is overpaid, Rollins costs too much, Lidge makes too much, and Madson makes too much for a set-up man. You guys need to shut the fuck up about every contract.

    So let’s see what’s going to happen with Werth. Boras is going to swindle us into giving him a 6 year contract. He’ll go bonkers this year and next year and then start to decline. Then I have to listen to you jerkoffs complain about him for 4 entire years. PLEASE DON’T SIGN HIM. You guys can’t even handle 3 years of Ibanez, who has done quite well for this team. Unless everybody making over 6 million is in contention for the cy young or MVP, you guys hate him.

  • Adam Eaton

    Greg Dobbs. I like Greg Dobbs.

  • philly phanatic

    @36 – right on brother. i only make $1 million a year which is definitely less than i should be when you consider that i’m without a doubt the best mascot in all of sports. no one gripes about my contract though. at least i get to watch the best baseball team in the world every day. go phils!!

  • http://huh? Arena

    1, i second that. and Fan since 09, youre nuts. 34, thank you. 36, i dont wanna resign jayson either. as of like 3 oclock yesterday, i did. but by 4 i had changed my mind. reason being with dom out there in the outfield. doms got a cannon, gotta work on the glove, but he can play D. his stick really wasnt too nice after his first handful of games. In my opinion, im hoping dom hits the weight room and bulks up a little bit. hes a twig out there. I believe dom is gonna pan out for us with time. which leads me to why i dont want to resign jayson. we gotta get dom on a time share out there. jayson, shane, and raul are all too good to time share with dom, not to mention its a waste of money. im saying lets go after a magglio ordonez, a right handed bat with a little pop, and save some money.

    other than cliff, whos some decent SP thats gonna be FA this winter?

    instead of spending money on Jwerth, lets go get a 4 or 5 starter and do away with KK. save him for the lopsided games in september lol. and maybe also patch up our bullpen a little bit. maybe get go a lefty that can produce. sure as hell dont wanna see Bastardo trying to get the job done

    but all in all, why are you guys panicking so much? all of these lets do this, lets do that. i got a suggestion, lets let RAJ do his job. i mean, he did put together some key pieces to “the best phillies team ever” (i hate labeling things). even if we do NOTHING this off season, the fightins are still one of the best teams in the NL based on H2O alone. idk why everyone wants to discard the whole team all of the sudden..

    were gonna be fine next year guys… as long as we can avoid the injury bug. and on that note, even when we got hit by hard by injuries, what did we do? oh yeah, we only finished with the best record in the majors… (even though alot of that was bc the rays and yanks were beatin up on each other in september) but you i think you catch my drift

  • Phan Stuck in nyc

    @Arena – You might’ve misread Eric. But if I’m wrong – believe it – Eric will correct me. I think Eric was saying it would be better FOR WERTH to not re-sign so as to not get blasted by unappreciative fans.

    Brown didn’t work well this season but he wasn’t given much time & I don’t think he was meant to. I think they mean to take their time w/him. He spent much of the end of the season working directly w/Werth. Brown said, “He’s become like a big brother.” Pretty funny. Anyway, he’s going to the Dominican Rep for the winter to work hard in their league. Should help. It helped Victorino.

    Damn difficult to be better than Werth’s “cannon”. Pls witness top of 3rd inning, game 5 of the NLCS in SF. He threw out the garden gnome at 3rd base from RF – against the wind. Vid at If you’d like the Phillies to make a playoff series next season, the money spent on Werth’s RIGHT arm (not Brown’s LEFT arm) likely would not be a “waste”. Not to mention that Domonic Brown’s agent is also Scott Boras. Mr. Brown won’t be inexpensive for long.

  • http://huh? Arena

    Phan stuck in nyc, lol to eric correct will correct me. me and erics opinions have some commons and some differences, i know what youre saying. and im not saying jaysons not a good player, (lol to gunning out the garden gnome at third from RF) or that he doesnt have an arm. dont forget what this guy was before he got here though, a bum with a capital B. he might have a few good seasons left in him, but will he flop kinda like rowand did after he peaced out? i just hope that we dont resign him and realize that his career year(s) are behind him. (or like eric said, get a long deal and produce for two years, and get trashed for four seasons after that) not saying that will happen, but man rowand did not deserve the money he got in the bay. i know im kinda floppin back and forth as far as my opinion goes, i guess im just lookin back at what ive seen and basing tomorrow of that? if you get what im saying.

    all in all, i trust our front office to get what needs to be done done, and set the team up with the best chance to win while taking money for this year, and years to come in consideration

  • http://huh? Arena

    and oh yes, phan stuck in nyc, didnt know about the dom going to DR for the winter. thats good news. i think he will pan out for us in the long run. and if hes not going to be making nothing for long, (i wasnt even thinking about that until right now) lets make sure we have a little room to resign him when that time comes

  • Eric

    Phan – you could certainly construe my point to believe that. Raul is a genuinely good guy who works hard. He’s been productive. He’s not Adam fuckin Eaton out there. Why we feel the need to hate so much on him is just frustrating.

  • J.C. Romero

    Wait, I’m not supposed to walk people? Shit. BTW, my wife is smoking hot.

  • Bozo

    Ugh, why do so much people think Brown needs to be platooned? I don’t want some FA like Franceour or Ben Francisco wasting valuable playing time that Brown can get. The ONLY way I could imagine platooning Brown is if John Mayberry makes the team out of Spring Training as the 4th OF.

  • Morandini’s Triple Play

    @Eric, I’m not one of those “trade our cornerstones” guys. I am someone who thinks that Utley is very good, but not untouchable player. I’m not looking to get rid of him, but I would listen if a good offer was made. And no, Valdez would not be his replacement. That’s just stupid.

    Utley’s been hurt an awful lot over the past 4 seasons. That may be because he plays the game so hard, but its a fact that he’s had several injuries, and that his production has dropped off during those periods that he’s not healthy.

    You raise a good point about FA’s wanting to come here, but I think that as long as our payroll is high and we keep hoisting flags in the outfield we’ll be able to attract some talent.

  • Eric

    46 – how dare he break his wrist taking a pitched ball and break his thumb sliding into a base. What a pussy. Seriously, before you make wild claims about a “guy always being hurt,” take time to actually think about it. And you’re disclaimer that “maybe because he plays the game so hard” does not mitigate the stupidity. It’s directly because he plays the game so hard that he’s banged himself up. You commend that kind of play, you don’t fucking trade the guy. Holy christ.

  • Davey Lopes

    You really think Chase was only dealing with the thumb injury Eric?

  • Pedro

    we’ve gotta bring up John Mayberry Jr. In the games he’s played, he’s done well, plus he’s a righty outfielder. Him and Ibanez need to platoon.

  • Bozo

    @Eric- There’s been alot of shit spewing that “The Phillies are getting old” because of all the injuries.

    Polanco- Hit on Elbow
    Ruiz- Concussion from being hit with a bat
    Utley- Tears ligament in thumb sliding into second
    Howard- Sprained ankle stepping on/reaching towards 2nd
    Madson- Kicked a chair and broke his toe

  • Nick

    fucking hilarious video i love these

    however i dont think even traditional baseball fans want werth to go.

    the whole ryan howard thing was so true and so hilarious though

  • KruksLeftNut

    Takahashi would be a nice pick up from the Mets. He had our number this year.

  • Bozo

    We almost beat him twice when he was closing. The Phillies were victims of Citi Field(Mike Sweeney’s near home run) and BABIP(a line drive out to the outfield with a man on at CBP).

  • http://huh? Arena

    49, youre nuts. john mayberry is a career minor leaguer

  • Morandini’s Triple Play

    Eric, I don’t give a rat’s ass if he hurt his hip helping old ladies cross the street. He plays at less than 100% a lot of the time. When he is healthy, he’s an MVP. When he’s not, he not the same player. And he’s not healthy a lot. I’m not advocating that we shop him, only that we stop looking at him as untouchable. Anyone who doesn’t keep their options open misses out on opportunity. With your thinking, Jim Thome would still be playing here.

  • Eric

    55 – you just made zero points in that paragraph.

  • Phan Stuck in nyc

    @Arena: Actually I just read the SI article. Werth wasn’t a bum w/a capital ‘B’ or even a lower case ‘b’. IL state champ (everyone starts somewhere). Scholarship to Univ of GA & 1st round draft pick to the Orioles (as a catcher). Traded to the Jays: he was working well but he was their only value in a trade, they needed another position (someone w/an injury). Jays were the 1st to use him as an OF. Dodgers needed OF prospects – they took him from Jays & platooned him in all OF positions. 2nd yr, 1st day of ST his lft wrist was broken by an AJ Burnett pitch. Dodger docs fixed the break but couldn’t figure out the continuing pain for a full yr while Werth played thru it & he couldn’t perf well w/the pain. B/c of their sucky docs Dodgers dropped him. Kind of thru his own tenacity he wound up at the Mayo clinic w/a doc who diagnosed an underlying ligament tear that happened w/the initial break. He had surgery that day. W/i a few wks Pat Gillick (who knew & liked him from the Orioles) called & brought him to the Phillies.

    His great grandfather, grandfather, uncle, stepfather all played a LOT of yrs of baseball each (they aged well, which should be noted). Three of them have WS rings. His mother was an Olympic level long jumper. His natural father played football & baseball in college. One sister was on UCLA’s track team, the other is on U of Neb’s volleyball team.

    Look, I don’t know maybe you call that a bum. I don’t. He’s used to winning & basically doesn’t accept less than that.

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