When Tug asked for a The Fightins book reviewer, I immediately jumped at the chance. You may not know this, but I graduated top of my class with a degree in english literature. Due to Kenyan Usurper Barry Obummer and there not being any jobs (or cash or hope) in my field, I jump at every opportunity I can to put my expertise to good use. Also, I’m not sure any of the other guys on this site can read.
So, without further adieu, I give you the first entry in the FanSince O’Nine Book Club, “Loudmouth” by Craig Carton.
Admittedly, I really only pay attention to Philadelphia sports radio. I didn’t know much about Craig Carton when I started this book, but I’m happy to say the that the more I read, the more of a bond I felt with Carton. This man and I are kindred spirits, the true voices of are fanbase, men who’s greatness is often misunderstood.
Craig Carton defied the odds after a rough childhood. Growing up in the third world white middle class hellhole of New Rochelle, Craig struggled with overcoming many hardships in life. Saddled with abusive parents who did such unspeakable things as make him finish the expensive french onion soup he ordered and go to college, Craig is a true “rags to riches” story, sprinkled with frequent jokes about his mom’s breasts, which is not at all creepy.
What readers will notice right away about Craig Carton is that this is a guy who is the best at everything. He was a star athlete who could have been a professional soccer player. He was a consummate ladies man who scored with totally hot chicks at camp. He ran a successful casino out of his house based around his colecovision until some kid snitched. He doesn’t mention this, but I bet he also had a cousin who worked at Mattel who gave him a real, functioning hoverboard that he promised he would never show to anyone. So what kept a genetic superman like Craig Carton from succeeding at an early age? A problem I have encountered many times: Everyone that he has ever met in his entire life is either an idiot or an evil genius out to sabotage him.
Yes, from his parents to his teachers to his unnamed female co-host to every single boss he has ever had, everyone Craig Carton has ever encountered has one mission in life: to screw over Craig Carton. This has lead to a history of hopping from station to station despite apparently being a massive ratings machine.
I’m sure you remember, like I do, when Craig Carton was a massive ratings machine in Philadelphia. He was buddies with all the Eagles, banged every stripper and Hooter’s Girl in town, and broke stories left and right. In his chapter about his time in Philadelphia, I realized another thing I have in common with Craig: We both think Glen Macnow is the worst. You see, Craig was promised the midday gig because Tom Bigby, the owner of WIP at the time, knew that Glen Macnow was not only a humorless douche who goes after obvious twitter parody accounts of himself, but also is just really bad on the radio. Carton believes, as do I, that Macnow has pictures of someone and that’s how he’s got to keep his job. So Craig’s big shot at the mid-day show never happened and instead he was a fill-in for the regulars, as well as G Cobb’s co-host for overnights. G Cobb, of course, would go on post videos of himself yelling at his GPS.
Craig’s claim to fame in Philadelphia was when he reported that Eric Lindros was too hung over to play. For those of you who don’t follow Hockey, Eric Lindros was sort of the Proto-Hammels. He was lazy and didn’t try and always choked in the big game and always pretended to be injured. At the time, the organization protected him, and essentially ran Craig out of town for his story (which was true, btw). The way Craig describes how the other hosts at WIP turned at him, I’m pretty sure it was this scene. The only hosts he likes from WIP were Howard Eskin and Mike Missenelli, who I used to like until he called me a punk on the air.
From there, Craig bounced around to more jobs where he had the best radio show ever but then everyone sabotaged him and he was gone in a few months before finally settling into WFAN.
Carton’s journey is like The Odyssey if Odysseus banged strippers all the time. It was a long, trying road full of dangers (Tourettes, ADD AND OCD!!!), but Craig Carton emerged as an epic hero for the ages. His tale of never giving up (and by never giving up I mean giving up all the time and blaming everyone else) despite your rough upbringing truly is the American Dream. As his journey moves on, Craig stops to share sports insights such as “Tim Tebow probably bangs so many chicks” and “Don’t sleep with teenagers” with his readers.
I am disappointed, however, that he didn’t bash WFAN enough. Sure, he talks about the other hosts who try to sabotage him, but the biggest perpetrator, Mike Francesca, only gets a few pages. As I tell my critics all the time, if you’re gonna come after the no.1, bring more than a peashooter! Francesca apparently would call him while at a different station to call him an asshole, yet he gets less of a mention than Glen Macnow? I expected a full fledged Francsesca diss track, which we didn’t get.
Overall, I give “Loudmouth” by Craig Carton 4 out of 5 ills (points deducted for being a trader to are region)
- 700 Level
- Crashburn Alley
- High Cheese
- House That Glanville Built
- Philadelphia Will Do
- Philled In
- Philly Gameday
- Philly Gossip
- Phoul Ballz
- The Good Phight
- The Insider
- The Zo Zone
- Where's Weems?
- Who Does He Play For?
- Zoo With Roy