I’d like to preface this column by saying LOOK OUT FOR THE FLAMING OIL REFINERY!!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE!!! (according to Rob Jennings).

As a student studying to get my B.A. in psychology, I have a further understanding of it than fools like Sam Donellon have. I know who psychologists themselves truly are (take a survey of psychology majors, and you will find 2 things: 1.) People who want to be teachers and 2.) People that ARE FUCKING NUTS) and what effects it has.

That being said, Sam and the average reader create a bastard job and call it a ‘sports psychologist’. Dr. Phil is a more qualified psychologist than these asshats. These guys are in the business of making you feel happy and charging you money for your own intrinsic happiness kicking in with their minimal aid. Bullshit artists.

Whereas real psychologists take no credit (except fiscally, ’cause we are all whores for cash) for continued depression or an elevation in mood, cockfaces like Dr. Joel Fish (you know, the douchebag who explains the ‘psyche’ of eccentric Philadelphia athletes? That dipshit) and Harvey Dorfman claim to help athletes, and publicly diagnose sports celebrities without ever meeting them. Completely ethical, taking all the credit like some sort of quasi-shaman and discussing private matters in public.

The latter of these dickwits, Doc Dorfman, claims his magic books on roads to happiness helps struggling athletes. And what a list of athletes that is:

His books [...] have become dog-eared textbooks for players like Moyer, who in turn has pointed players from Ibanez to the struggling young Kyle Kendrick toward Harvey’s couch.

Kyle Kendrick!?! Kyle fucking Kendrick!

Hey, Mr. Sports ‘Psychologist’,  your books on universal happiness didn’t improve double K. You know why? ‘Cause psychology and self-help books don’t help everyone! That’s why you’re a fucking psychologist. You can’t help everyone, so stop pimping your bullshit to gullible fools like Sam Donellon who write columns titled “Psychologist helps athletes, Phillies think positive even when things are going well”.

I know some of you will say “My dearest ‘Tard,  these men may not be performing well on the baseball diamond, but sports psycholgists can help them deal with everyday life and personal happiness”. Bull-fucking-shit. High caliber athletes love the attention, and thrive off the attention. They need the public to love them or to be performing well at their job for happiness. For an example of the media whoredom of the common athlete, look how well Brett Favre deals with being out of the spotlight.

And with a client list containing Chan Ho Park, Kyle Kendrick, and Jamie Moyer, that’s a 66% failure rate, Dorfman. Sports Psycholgy is not real psychology, it’s just another average job built up by hackneyed writers. Hackneyed writers looking for an interesting scoop. Hackneyed writers placing success on the wrong individuals.

Jamie Moyer is why Jamie Moyer is a successful pitcher in his 40s. Chan Ho Park and Kyle Kendrick have themselves to blame for their shitty pitching. Harvey Dorfman has no role in the Phillies success or failure.

Fuck sports psychologists. Ass after the jump:

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The true stupidity of baseball closer coverage last year focused solely on one Francisco “K-Rod” Rodriguez. You know, that eccentric guy that is now douching it up with the Mets. While he was breaking the single season saves record, Philadelphia’s favorite proponent of shitty nu-metal was like an incoming freshman’s asshole, perfect.

And the general public was generally unimpressed with K-Rod’s record, given that the all the closers in the top 21 set their place from 1990-2008 (Dave Righetti shares the 21st spot with 46 saves in 1986). This boring, ass-clownish achievement pales in comparison to Lidge’s season.

This season, the Lidgemeister is chasing interesting history. He is third in consecutive regular season games saved, with 44. The fat Canadian guy is #1 with 84 and, ironically (ironic in this sense means “seriously?”) phormer Phillie Tom Gordon is #2 with 54.

If Lidge continues what he did last year, he could conceivably break the record in September, around the stretch drive when David Wright and Carlos Beltran’s alleged testicles retreat back up into their uteruses. There are bullshit arguments about steroids and queer notions about the sanctity of the game giving Tom Gordon the record, and meaning that Lidge would only be 11 saves away from the record-breaker (people think the Canadian fatty took steroids). But I regard those as generally stupid arguments.

Buckle your seatbelts and firmly grasp your nutsack (or oves, for the ladies out there), the Lidgemeister could be making history this year.

Gossip Girls skanking it up after the jump:

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