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Posts Tagged ‘KEEP YOUR FINGERS OFF THE PANIC BUTTON’

Sep
29
2009
Posted by at 12:45 pm ET 58 Comments

[Dr. Alison Allswell is an adjunct professor of Clinical Psychology at Strayer University. She specializes in anxiety resolution and stress relief.]

Greetings, fellow participants in this grand human experiment! The good and stable minds who run this web site have asked me to offer a few words of comfort and encouragement for those of you worried about your baseball club’s current situation.

If you are among those troubled by recent developments, I say only this: Remain calm. Your stressful response to any setbacks of this nature will only hasten physical ailment and emotional trauma.

Yes, pitcher Cole Hamels may have surrendered 6 runs last night against Houston, but let us focus on things that matter most to us: family, good friends, an appreciation of the world around us.

(I mean, come on — how the fuck do you go five innings and… no, no, this too must pass. Deep breaths, Alison. Deep breaths. Remember your mantra.)

Too often in our modern society we tend to invest a disproportionate amount of emotional energy in what are merely diversions along the path of a meaningful existence.

(And where for Christ’s sake were the fucking BATS last night? Jesus! OK, OK… maintain your balance. The cosmos is a large and powerful place, and renders insignificant the fact that THEY WENT OH-FOR-FUCKING-TWO-THOUSAND-AND-SIXTY-FIVE WITH RUNNERS IN SCORING POSITION! Alright now. Be cool, baby.)

There are six games left to play, and the Phillies need only win three of them to reclaim the division title. Is that so daunting a task? Think about it, my friends.

(Meanwhile, what’s that crawling up our collective ass? Oh, yeah, IT’S THE ATLANTA FUCKING BRAVES. Goddammit. I need a joint.)

That which is beyond our control should not occupy our concerns. Fate will unfold as it must. Therefore, let us focus our minds on fulfilling those objectives which are within our respective ability to control.

(You hear that, you slumping sons of bitches? Fucking FOCUS!)

May your days be filled with peace and tranquility.

(WIN THE GODDAMNED DIVISION ALREADY, YOU JACKHOLES! Where’s my cigarette lighter?)

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R.I.P Harry Kalas