The Fightins'
May
24
2010
Striped: The 2010 Phillies, The Serial I
Posted by at 9:49 am ET 57 Comments

Note: The following text is a satirical and fictional story based on the true outcomes of the regular season happenings of the 2010 Philadelphia Phillies. The text is to be considered as strictly entertainment.

Chapter One
Part One
Scene One
May 18, 2010

Enter en medias res.

The clubhouse, smoky and odorous of incense. Strange sitar music fills the gray air, hiding the men, adorned in men’s boxers, tightly fitting underpants and loose sport t-shirts. They’re each in their own small world of meditation, cupping their hands together, lifting their arms high to the ceiling and chanting one-syllable notes. At center is an elder man, draped in a mosaic of a robe – at first bright orange, but adorned with flower patterns fine in greens and blues. Jewels hang off his prune head, his hair shimmering white like the moon.

“The path to pure enlightenment stems from inside,” he speaks in clear Queen’s English. By his side is a wafer and small cup of African Rooibos, which must be noted, as it’s late in the evening, well past nigthfall, and it’s such a strong, caffeinated tea. The reason: They have lost tonight.

The men chant again as they raise their arms slowly to the heavens. Some are close to a deep trance when, suddenly, the metal doors blast open.

“Team Red Bull is in the HOUSE!”

A smattering of black-shirt-clad young adults, fit with spiky hair and orange skin, flood the room. Their very presence lifts the smoke outside, clearing the space and revealing a collection of half-naked men disrupted and dizzy.

“I do say,” says the man draped in his orange robe. It’s Charlie Manuel, well-to-do manager of the Philadelphia Phillies, “what is the meaning of this materialistic high jinks?”

Into the room, dressed in a custom-fit Red Bull Phillies jacket, is Jimmy Rollins, hardcore veteran and star shortstop of the Phillies. In each hand he carries four Red Bulls and, without warning, begins shooting the cans toward his teammates.

“GET THAT GET THAT,” yells Rollins, as his minions do the very same. Brad Lidge is knocked in the arm.

“That’s another Cortisone shot!”

“Now, now, please, will you just quiet this racket for a moment,” pleads Manuel. “We lost a tragic game this past evening, in which our stud Roy Halladay pitched until his arm nearly fell off. We must find our centers once again. We don’t need liquid refreshment in the form of a spoon of white powder.”

“Excuse me-” interrupts a nervous Ross Gload, “but can we not reference my past, sir?”

“I was talking about sugar.”

“You gotta see, man,” answers Rollins, “that’s the answer! We can’t hit Zach Duke, we gotta change the style! We gotta go hard on that sugar rush, know what I’m sayin’? GET THAT GET THAT.”

Later in the evening, as the men are departing the ballpark for their home lives, Ben Francisco and Shane Victorino ¬– wearing a shirt covered in ironed-on bear feces – are speaking about the disruption.

“I don’t know, Shane, seems like the second he comes off the disabled list, Jimmy is trying to run the team his way,” Francisco says. “It’s like a power penalty kill.” Francisco does not know hockey lingo.

“Oh, oh … I don’t know,” Victorino says hurriedly and quietly, not really paying attention to Francisco. His phone vibrates. “Oh … ah, I gotta get this.”

Victorino stalks away from Francisco, holding his phone tight to his ear, speaking in hushed tones, the night shielding him as he leaves his view.

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  • HereWeGoAgain

    I’m…. intrigued.

  • Jose Lima

    Playing for the Mets killed my heart! aaaaaarrrrrghgghgh blurrrrggh

  • http://www.cranktexts.com Adam Eaton

    Gay.

    Sorry… I’d rather get an update on the pink bag filled with Tastycakes and Twix bars.

  • Muscles

    you lost me at “Jewels hang off his prune head”

  • http://twitter.com/howardeskin Howard Eskin

    I EAT COCK

  • http://www.cranktexts.com Adam Eaton

    Howard, right now could not be a more appropriate time for you to show up.

  • Phils Phan

    I’d prefer if this was illustrated with stick figures drafted in MS Paint.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    RedBull Serial Killer: Act 1, Scene 1: Somewhere in Hell aka New York City.
    Ima Douchebag CEO of MakeMeRichAdvertisingAgency addresses her staff…
    Okay so J-Roll went on the DL and couldn’t do the Red Bull sponsered homerun challenge. How do we make this work for us? I need you to think people, get outside that box.
    Bootlicker Mcsuckass… Well I have a friend who’s a big baseball guy a Braves fan actually and he told me about this Phillies Blog that he trolls on.
    Ima Douchebag…. This better be going somewhere McSuckass.
    Bootlicker Mcsuckass…Well he told me sometimes when the main bloggers have a rough night and the creative juices aren’t quite flowing they’ll let guest bloggers submit pieces.
    Ima Douchebag….Get to the point Bootlicker and you missed a spot on my left boot.
    Bootlicker Mcsuckass…Well suppose we write a RedBull commercial and disguise it as a blog submission?
    Ima Douchebag….Brilliant! Great concept. Glad I thought of it.
    Bootlicker Mcsuckass…Glub,Slub,Gloob,Slurp You’re the best boss. Slurp Slurp

  • Romeo G. Riverside

    Muscles, as the top commenter in my first part of the serial, you win SIX CASES OF RED BULL. IT GIVES YOU WIGNS.

  • http://www.cranktexts.com Adam Eaton

    @Romeo Muscles, the top commenter? No dsirespect to Muscles cause I like the guy… but I was the one with shout out in the championship write up in the field bro. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself. BOOYAKASHA!

  • rags to riches

    red bull gives you wins…..ask jimmy

  • Moon Shot

    Gay-iddity

  • http://www.scrappleplusiggs.blogspot.com Civil Negligence

    If “Pink Prose” didn’t work for Deadspin, what makes you think this garbage will fly here?

  • Watrick

    Yeah, there’s been a number of things that have changed here lately, and this one seems to be the strangest. I know it’s not a contest, but if it was, then I’d give this the Razzie.

  • Jupiter’s Rings

    This makes me scratch my soon-to-be Werth-like beard in intrigue.

  • leon

    j-roll should be traded to africa, and adam eaton should have been aborted before birth

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    If there was a reality show Americas Blogs Got Talent I think Howie Mandel would rather have Susan Osbourne sit on his unprotected face than give this a thumbs up.

  • http://www.cranktexts.com Adam Eaton

    @leon Don’t be weak bro. Spread your bullshit sauce somewhere else.

    Lance………………………………………………?

  • Pete

    not funny.

  • Ned

    romeo, african rooibos tea does not have any caffeine.

  • Jon

    Remember when this site was about game recaps, sarge’s hats, tits and hilarious .gifs? I miss those days.

  • Muscles

    Hey, I’ll take a first place 4th anyday! GET THAT GET THAT!

  • D. Whitmore

    what the hell is this

  • DP (aka William Wallace)

    I’m with Jon…knock of the bullshit and lets get back to business…when are we voting for ballgirls again?

  • Romeo G. Riverside

    Ned, you are correct. It is a stronger tea, however. Which was the gist.

    You are all mostly cruel, but I like that. No, I adore that.

  • Stevie Janowski

    This is pure garbage…we need to get back to fundamentals, boys….no more of this experimenting bullshit

  • bigmyc

    Well, Mr. Riverside…I’m not really sure of who you are and what you’re about or even how you got here. To be honest, I didn’t even read the final 4/5 of your story…with the exception of the Cholly quote regarding his surprise at the “high jinks,”.

    Let me just submit to you this, sir; there is no way on god’s multi-green shaded earth that Cholly would ever use the phrase, “what is the meaning of this materialistic high jinks?”

    If you were truly a fan of this storied, albeit mostly unsuccessful franchise, you’d know this.

    Then again, I didn’t read the post and probably have no idea what I’m critisizing.

    So, carry on.

  • bigmyc

    Ok.

    So I went back and read that.

    My take;

    WTF?

  • what the hell am i reading here?

    You taking any pain meds, son?

  • DP

    As phillies fans we haven’t had to resort to this too often but I’m gonna dust it off for practice: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  • http://www.superfantabulousblog.blogspot.com maria

    I skimmed it quickly and have no idea what I was reading.

  • http://philliesphever.yardbarker.com Phillies Phever
  • Jeano

    WTF is this crap?

  • http://www.thefightins.com meech.one

    haha, you guys love your creative writing, don’t you?

  • Phils Phan

    I read it again and still feel like a father whose son just told him he wants to play field hockey.

  • Lynniemac

    Not exactly what I’d be expecting had I been expecting Phillies fanfic to show up on this site.

  • Joe D

    Holy shit that Lima post was much needed for me today. Fine work.

  • the EFF THAT guy

    Do I really need to say anything here?

  • DP

    Finding this on the site this morning is the literary equivalent of me opening my front door and finding a pile of crap.

  • Burgoyne in time

    You know it’s funny..

    Lenny Dykstra used to amuse us with little anecdotes here and there and musings of his imagination from time to time. Krukker and Incaviglia were always the most impressed with Nails’ surprisingly creative side. The fabled Macho Row good time exploits that filled the trainer’s room after games with mainstays like beer pitchers, chain smoking and telling lies had one more surprising aspect; Lenny’s creative story telling. Oh man,That’s when things really heated up.

    One of the more crazy and surreally fantastic tales was about a young baseball player named, Denny who, after his beloved playing days were through, went onto bigger and better things as a capitalist tycoon. Denny’s adventures would astound the likes of the transendental Dutch to the cerebral Mickey Morandini. Once, Denny even made a major investment windfall involving Carwashes. Can you believe it?

    Improbable. I know. But that was Lenny and his story telling.

  • http://twitter.com/j_tee_r Jdashdog

    Get high and read this.

  • http://www.twitter.com/kraeer kraeer

    Haha, I don’t know why but I kind of liked it. Think it was this:

    Shane Victorino ¬– wearing a shirt covered in ironed-on bear feces –

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    @Jdash- Tried that it didn’t help.

  • http://www.4daysrest.com 4daysrest.com

    I gotta be honest, I don’t get it.

  • The Killer Zs

    No. Just no. Not Fightins material.

  • http://www.thefightins.com Chris

    Who wants a post about Kevin Youkilis sliding into 3rd, injuring his knee, then getting hit in the face with a baseball?!

  • 85

    This is like the beginning of Major League 2, where the Indians weren’t acting like themselves, and Ricky Vaughn was wearing suits and smart glasses and shit like that. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t know what just happened here.

    That, and the idea of Charlie wearing some Dalai Lama robe and drinking tea makes me throw up in my mouth.

  • Muscles

    If this had a picture of the described scene I would be more open to this.

  • http://twitter.com/howardeskin Howard Eskin

    STILL EATING COCK HERE

  • harry’s discarded parliment

    One more dumbass article like that, and you guys will have officially jumped the shark. You’re better than this Meech! Now, dammit, act like it!

  • Jupiter’s Rings

    Chris – I do more than kel loves orange soda. It was the only thing that kept the stool under my feet yesterday

  • http://www.4daysrest.com Bay Slugga

    Whats going on with the fightins lately?

  • Jupiter’s Rings

    I just saw the new article. Just my luck

  • http://www.4daysrest.com 4daysrest.com

    Chris’ photo essay of the Youkilis incident was stellar.

  • Sophie

    faggoty. same as gay just gayer.

  • Brandon

    You know something’s wrong when Eskin is eating multiple cocks in one post.

  • phil wood

    Get high and read this–while listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjnxTlNA1II this — mo’ gangsta, mo’betta.

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