The Fightins'
Apr
26
2013
Phillies vs. Mets: A Comprehensive Series Scouting Report
Posted by at 2:00 pm ET 6 Comments

I’m going to give it you straight here, because I care about you and treasure your friendship: the Phillies aren’t really that good at baseball right now. AND, this season may turn out to be quite a slog. I know, tough news to hear. I’m not saying that there’s no hope of us turning things around–I mean after all, we have ROY MOTHERDUCKING HALLADAY–it’s just that, things tend to look reallllly bleak after you lose three out of four to the Pirates.

But I checked with the Pope and, no matter how bad we suck, we’re still allowed to make fun of the Mets.

So here’s a scouting report for the upcoming series.

Ike Davis

Feels like, “A cup in the middle of the sea.”

eddiev


John Buck

Who does this guy think he is with his dumb goalie masks, Grant Fuhr? Go screw. A lefty, he’s beatable low stick side.

fuhr

Lucas Duda

Jesus Christ, is every player on the Mets a big, lumbering white guy with a beard? I mean, I assume Lucas Duda has a beard. He has a beard, right? This is the Mets we’re talking about so I’ll be damned if I’m doing the leg work on this one. YOU DO IT. Pretty sure he has a beard, though.

David Wright

David Wright is kind of awesome as much as I hate to say it but I can’t ever forget this giant helmet sorry no offense.

wright

Jordany Valdespin

“Lived in Cape Suzette and was a pilot!”

valdespin

Daniel Murphy

Known to bite his own toenails… before showering.

See also: White guy, big; lumbering

Ruben Tejada

If they make a film about the 2013 Mets, either Selena Gomez or Kima Greggs from The Wire will be cast as Ruben Tejada:

rubentejada

Marlon Byrd

Was, HILARIOUSLY, still a BALCO/Victor Conte client as late as last June when he–SURPRISE!–got suspended for using a product known for solely its ability to mask steroids. I don’t even have a joke here, I just wanted to point out how brainless Marlon Byrd is.

Colin Cowgill

I actually don’t know a single thing about Colin Cowgill other than the fact that reading his name immediately made me want to photoshop a cow wearing a snorkel mask:

cowgill

Johan Santana

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Mike Baxter

This guy blows, which is good for us, but I genuinely hope he finds his way back into the Anchorman sequel.

Eric Niese

Still grinding, baby!

ericnies1

LaTroy Hawkins

Was born in 1972 and has played for ever major league baseball team not named the Phillies. LaTroy Hawkins is literally so old that a picture of him and his family appears as the first Google result for his name.

latroyfamily

God, that was such a good scouting report!

Stay tuned for Chris’ game thread. And welcome back The Fightins, we truly appreciate it.

  • http://www.idontgiveaschmidt.com Adam Eaton

    I like the cow in the snorkel mask.

  • Eric Kratz

    So…you’re saying I could have a future in Flushing?

    I’m as big, lumbering, and white as they come. And I like turkey bacon. Just saying.

  • http://www.twitter.com/flygoalscoredby FGSB

    Grant Fuhr didn’t do anything to be lumped into a John Buck category. If anything Buck is like Dan Cloutier.

  • Brandon

    God, I missed this site so much.

  • Watrick

    Valespin-WooHoo!

  • iwannahugChaseUtley

    that pic of David Wright’s Astroman fucking hilarious egg helmet makes me laugh to the point of near suffocation every time i see it.

    one last time, thank god the Fightins is back. i missed that fucking picture.

Written by

ZWR is the founder and Chief Auteur at I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay, the world's foremost bolg about wanting to go to the zoo with once and future Phillies ace Roy Halladay. In addition to stuffing as many web addresses as possible into his digital biographies, ZWR sells stylish t-shirts and contributes weekly at Philly.com/HolyButt. You can also follow his nonsense on Twitter -

@zoowithroy
Visit The Fightins Store
R.I.P Harry Kalas