Pick up the pace, slackers, there’s only a day left before MLB’s Final Vote is over and you guys are letting Shane Victorino hang out there in second place. Seriously man, you think I like having this website double as makeshift campaign HQ for some city councilman that no one gives a fuck about? NO! I’m doing this for Shane because Shane needs YOUR help. And I’ll be damned if I sit on my hands while some fucker named Pablo Sandoval runs all over him. Vote or DIE, mutherfucker. Vote or DIE.

BONUS! Here’s a helpful hint that should increase your voting effectiveness by 4-5 votes per hour brought to you by the Twittering of @Riley_MatthewJ:

Found a pseudo-loop hole in the online voting: only first/last # of the validation key have to be correct. E.g. 20345 can be 24445

You’re a big boy, you can figure out how to use that to your advantage. Now get to voting.

“Ummm ya know it’s one of those things uhhhh I guess ya know sometimes things happen for the right reasons and uhhh ya know what I’m just going out there to try and help this team win that’s what it’s about right now ya know sometimes individual things get put into play but the big pictures are winning that’s what it’s about.”

Spoken like a true All-Star.

Oh, no questions asked.

Shortly after laying a 4-for-5 spot with a homer, four RBI, and five runs scored on the hapless Reds last night, the man hoping to grab that 33rd and final roster spot on the NL All-Star team gave a ring to Karl Ravech and them over at Baseball Tonight. I missed the beginning of the interview, but luckily I changed channels just in time to catch the obligatory NQA. You don’t get to hear Karl’s groundbreaking question that prompted Shane’s response, but it was something along of lines of did Shane think he would’ve gotten a double on the fair ball that the ballgirl interfered with. Then Ravech tried to clarify that Shane actually meant “no doubt about it” when he said NQA. No shit, buddy. Don’t try to translate him for us, okay Karl?

We speak fluent Shane around these parts.

Everyone has there own way of telling the masses to vote Victorino for the All-Star Game, whether it be posting on their blog, tweeting about it, or like this young woman here wearing a Hawaiin shirt and picking up Shane’s fair ball so that he doesn’t have any chance of being thrown out at second. Thanks ballgirl. Video of Wheeler saying it was an “amazing stop” and in turn trying to work his game ATJ.

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From the GAHHHHHHHHHHHH department of Phillies news comes this gem:

“The Phillies have decided to scout free agent pitcher Pedro Martinez”

Fuck and no! No fucking way would this signing have any positive impact for our Fightins. The disgustingly scary thing is that over thirty percent of the people polled on this news would like to see Pedro in red pinstripes. This should not be shocking news, however, as polls also indicate that a large percentage of the population (excluding Señor Retardo) would not pay tax dollars to see Michael Bay imprisoned and castrated.

If this awfulness were to occur, I would like to invite the Fighins’ staff and readership to join me in a group bum rush/suicide bombing of the printer in the Phillies front office that prints free agent contracts. We can not let this former Met and Red Sock join the World Fucking Champs.

He’s old. He’s frail. He’s a #4 starter at best, and could barely making 15 starts a year. He makes Mark Prior look like Roy Halladay (in terms of innings eatability).

Fuck Pedro. We don’t fucking need him. Plus, Nelson de La Rosa is fucking dead, so his clubhouse presence is useless.

What happened?

The Phils used a ten-run first inning to rout the Reds to extend their winning streak to four games.

Who did what?

Cole Hamels (5-5) gave up one run in seven innings. He gave up three hits, zero walks and struck out two. He went 2 for 4 with a double (2) with two runs and two RBIs.

Jimmy Rollins went 3 for 4 with a double (19), four runs, two walks and an RBI.

Shane Victorino went 4 for 5 a homer (6), two doubles (22), five runs and four RBIs.

Chase Utley went 2 for 3 with a homer (19) and four RBIs.

Ryan Howard went 1 for 4 with an RBI.

Jayson Werth went 2 for 5 with a grand slam (17) and five RBIs.

Greg Dobbs went 4 for 6 with a homer (5), a double (6) and 2 RBIs.

Pedro Feliz went 1 for 5 with an RBI.

Carlos Ruiz went 1 for 4 with an RBI.

Which means…EVERYBODY HITS! To celebrate this momentous occasion, here is a video of the final out of the 2008 World Series.

Johnny Cueto (8-5) gave up nine runs in 0.2 innings. He allowed five hits, three walks, and struck out one.

Jonny Gomes went 1 for 4 with a homer (5) and an RBI.

What does this mean?

Walk. Homer. Backwards K. L-5. Single. Homer. Walk. Walk. Double. Double. Walk. Homer. Backwards K.

That’s how the first inning went for the Phillies tonight, when they put up a ten-spot on Johnny Cueto and his 2.69 ERA. By the time Cueto left the game, he had thrown 49 pitches, recorded two outs, allowed eight base runners on five hits and three walks en route to the shortest start of his young career.

The Phillies would be far from finished, as they would go on to add 12 more runs over the next seven innings, setting a record for runs scored in the brief history of The Bank. It was the most runs they’ve scored in a game since June 11, 1985, when they went on to score 26 at The Vet against the New York Mets.

After sweeping the depleted New York Mets, many wondered if the Phillies were finally getting back on track or if they were just taking advantage of a team without three of its starters.

That question appears to have been answered, as the Phils straight-up routed one of the best pitchers in the National League. Entering the game, Cueto had the fourth best ERA in the NL (2.69) and fifth in batting average against (.223). So maybe Cueto just had an off night, but most likely, the Phillies are just locking in. After beating Johan Santana and two other Mets’ starters that have been better than average this season, the offense is getting more and more confident. And it should come as no surprise, as Jimmy Rollins had three more hits at the top of the order tonight. It’s been said to death, but he is the key to the offense. He gets on base, and things happen.

However, we can’t forget about Cole Hamels, who went seven strong to rebound from his last start. Having a 10 run lead after the first inning made it a lot easier for the Ace, who was touching 93 early and often with his fastball. His presence at the top of the rotation cannot be overlooked, and in order for the Phillies to win, Cole Hamels needs to win.

What’s next for our heroes?

In game two against the Reds, J.A. Happ (5-0, 2.96) takes on Aaron Harang (5-8, 3.86).

This is what it looks like to go from 4th in the NL in ERA to getting knocked out of the top 10 in less than a half-hour. Sorry Johnny, nothing personal. The Phillies just have a bad home record that needs evening out.

Oh shit, brah. This is guaranteed to be the most EXXXTREEEEEEME video you’ll fucking see all day.

Fresh off his partnership with Red Bull Energy Drink, Young James decided to straight creep up on some unsuspecting tailgating fools at The Bank in a gigantic truck concoction and represent for all those who like to get their energy from an eight ounce can of liquid Smarties. Next thing you know, e’erybody is showing Jimmy some love and white bitches be dancing and shit. Cause that’s just how Jimmy rolls, maing.

(Get it? Jimmy? Rolls? Ahhh, forget it — TO THE EXTREME MOBILE!)

“When did these telecasts turn into a clown act?”

That’s what I’d like to know, Chris.

And that should just about wrap-up Broadcaster’s Appreciation Day here on The Fightins.

Thanks for joining us.

Here’s a nice addition for the Sarge Matthews .gif completist:

I’ll gladly accept any remix suggestions.