Warning: Pitchin’ changes may be super bitchin’ and not appropriate for a young audience. Also lots of profanity.
Here’s Ryan Howard posing for a picture with Michael Kidd-Gilchrist (a south Jersey native) of the Charlotte Bobcats [they're an NBA team (that's professional basketball)]. Ryan Howard, in real life, is 6’4″ tall and approximately 260 pounds… soooo *wheels turn in ZWR’s head*…. by my estimation that makes Kidd-Gilchrist like 8′ tall and 325 pounds.
MKG, which is what I assume all the kids call him, was in town to check out the Phillies getting their butts handed to them by the Cleveland Indians, and was lucky enough to get a photo opportunity for his Twitter account. I assume he also Instagrammed it with the Rise filter (tough call between that and Amaro), the straight-line blur focus vignette turned vertically, and the following tags: #ballin #bigpiece #phillies #instagram #bobcats #subway #eatfresh #cleveland #tinyhoward #rickvaughn #fightins #zoowithroy #royhalladay #bieber #birdgang #pokemon #nobama #samhinkie #oreos #pigeonhoodie.
Michael Kidd-Gilchrist has a pigeon on his sweatshirt.
Source: Ryan Howard’s Twitter
We all know that Ruben Amaro is kind of a smug prick. But he’s our prick, so that makes it amusing. You know, when he’s not signing old guys to bad contracts. At any rate, here’s a GIF I made. Enjoy, you weirdos.
As previously foretold by the Haines Quatrains, the Phillies have inked career lunatic Carlos Zambrano to a minor league deal.
But let’s hope he it makes it to the majors quickly, because he’s just the type of character a snarky, humorous blog about the Phillies could use to jazz things up a little in an otherwise dull season. More on this situation as it develops, or disintegrates, as it were.
Source: #Phillies, Zambrano agree to minor-league deal.
— Ken Rosenthal (@Ken_Rosenthal) May 15, 2013
Edit: Embedding tweets never works the way it’s supposed to work so here’s a picture:
The Phillies beat the Indians at home last night 4-3, you think.
The Phillies, who were coming off of a big long west coast road trip, played their first game that fans saw in a long time last night. Most fans, having not really been willing to stay up past midnight for the past week, tuned in to see some young pitcher the team called up at some point to pretty good.
The starting pitcher for the Phils, some young white kid, did pretty good and pitched, like, at least six innings. This white kid, who you think came right from Double-A, allowed a bunch of hits but no home runs, at least none that really mattered, you know?
Indians hitters, wait, it was Cleveland right? But they were just in Clev- Yeah, no, it was definitely Cleveland hitters that didn’t really do much offensively though so it’s hard to tell if the Phillies pitcher was really good or not. Cleveland is one of those teams that sucked for a long time but they’re kinda getting good now.
But pitching wasn’t the whole story last night, as the Phillies’ bats finally started to make some noise. Domonic Brown hit a solo shot in, like, the sixth, you think, after the Indians changed pitchers. Ryan Howard also hit a home run, too. Unless that was Mayberry. You don’t remember. It was definitely one of the tall, black guys. Someone also hit a triple but they didn’t score and actually that might have been a guy on the Indians.
Papelbon came on in the ninth to get the save. De Fratus, who you didn’t know wasn’t still hurt, was one of three relievers used in the 8th because Mike Adams wasn’t available. The status of Mike Adams is still uncertain, unless they announced something after the game because you missed postgame because your wife wanted to watch The Voice on the big TV downstairs.
The Phillies play the Indians again tonight, you assume because last night was the first game of the series. Because you haven’t seen him for a while, you think lefty Cole Hamels probably pitches for the Phillies tonight. He’s, like, 3-6 on the season. You have no fucking clue who starts for Cleveland tonight.
SI released it’s annual “Fortunate 500“, and four of the donkeys on there were Phillies (including bolg muse Harry Leroy Halladay III, who totally earned every red cent). Per the article, the figures include:
“The findings consist solely of salary, winnings, bonuses and endorsements. SI consulted players’ associations, tour records, online databases, agents and media reports. The endorsement estimates come from a stable of marketing executives, agents and other experts, including Burns Entertainment & Sports Marketing.”
Considering the Phils are 100 – 102 in 2012/13, some could argue that’s not necessarily a good thing, but the performance is more likely (I’d argue) attributable to other factors (our outfielders eating butt last season, Chase Utley’s injury, an organizational focus on bringing in players who neither get on base too well nor hit for power, etc.). Cliff Lee has performed to the level of his contract. Cole Hamels is an ace-stud-franchise-handsome pitcher. Roy Halladay is a hero to heroes so don’t even go there. I can’t find Februany bad deals on there…
Also, mad props to VINCENT JACKSON’S agent.
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