This morning, Philly.com’s gossip editor Dan ‘Disgusting’ Gross reported that Shane Victorino, Ryan Howard, and other Phillies are headed to the Cayman Islands for Jimmy Fuckin’ Rollins’s wedding on Saturday. He will be marrying the beauty and fitness-training-like talents that is Johari Smith. The best part of the ceremony of course, is that the groomsman is none other than wall-hater Bobby Abreu!
Phillies, beach, hot women, this all sounds fun right? Well nearly an hour later…
That’s right, the same island where OUR BELOVED FIGHTIN’ PHILS WERE HEADED! Luckily, as reported by CBS 3, Jimmy and the gang are alright:
Rollins, who was at the Grand Cayman Beach for his upcoming wedding to Jahori Smith, sent a message to teammates saying he was ok. Several teammates are expected to attend the wedding scheduled for Saturday, but they reportedly have not yet arrived.
It went on to say his hotel shook for 10 seconds and everyone had to go to the beach. And holy shit, thank god he is OK. I don’t want no Miguel Tejada playing shortstop for the steroid-free Phillies. ::knock on wood::
On that nearly terrifying note, Mr. Amaro just signed a few veteran pitchers to minor league deals, ho-hum…including BRANDON DUCKWORTH? ‘Member him? [picture of The Duck Pond]? Well, apparently Ed Wade didn’t stick his shlong out to bring him back to Houston before Philly got him. How could Ed miss that? An ex-Phillie AND Astro? Gold!
In conclusion: The Phillies are safe, Jimmy is almost wed, and Bobby will probably drop the ring.
One month ’til single game tickets go on sale.
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