You’ve done it.
You’ve staked your flag with a picture of your own smirking face on the peak of intelligence; You’ve scaled the mountains of baseball knowledge and social media to become the smartest Phillies fan in the world.
But how will people know? How can they possibly tell the scale of your grand, patronizing smarts, unless you harp on them for thinking the Phillies could have won?
But wait! Aren’t you a Phillies fan? Shouldn’t you be rooting for the team?
No way! You may be a Phillies fan, but you’re a smart, cool Phillies fan – not one of these mindless sheep who hope the team does well and wanted them to win today like a bunch of fucking saps.
Look at them, over there. Sapping it up. They probably have both hands on the keyboard, not even writing anything intelligent enough to jack off to while simultaneously typing. How primitive.
Fortunately for you, there’s a protocol to follow for just this situation.
“lol @ you dopes out there,” you say, knowing there’s at least 4-5 minions of yours who will spread your witticisms like wild fire. “As if this team is going to sniff the playoffs.”
Key phrases to use:
- Make sure you mention that people who had any faith or hope at all “crack you up.”
- Start tweets with “Not sure why people thought…” and then say that thing everyone was hoping for that you had laughed off because of how strong your intelligence is.
- Rotate between human senses in regards to the Phillies and the playoffs: “Can’t imagine why people thought this team would ever see/sniff/taste/touch the playoffs.”
Hoping the Phillies win is not for you – you’ve got a slick web site, some full price, name brand hair gel, and a sandwich to take pictures of at lunch. You’re a Phillies fan who knows better than the rest of these idiots – the team sucks, and better yet, you were the first one to think so.
Sure, when the team is doing well, you chime in occasionally. That way, people can say, “Ha ha! Even Smarmy Smart Guy is having fun today!” You’ve got a stable of “lol Chase Utley is handsome” jokes that you lean on pretty heavily when he punches through.
But you knew. You knew they weren’t going to get that run in; that they were never going to nab that runner at third; that Chooch would regress eventually. And you also know that patting yourself on the back for predicting an inevitability is more rewarding than saying something funny or bittersweet or interesting or good.
Then, of course, there’s this situation:
Suspend reality for a minute and imagine the Phillies come back and win this game. The twitter reaction would be absolutely hysterical.
— Corinne (@Ut26) July 21, 2013
“Oh no!” you’re thinking. “I’m boxed in! With a miraculous win in the wake of my doddering assholisms, I can’t rightfully take place in the wild hyperbole and Chase-praise!”
Well, good news – you didn’t want to, anyway.
“Oh yeah, one lucky win against the Mets that we should have taken handedly,” you mutter drolly. “See you at the parade.”
Ha, ha, ha! There’s not going to be a parade! That would mean the Phillies would have won the World Series – a conclusion you’d never reach after a single defeat of the Mets in mid-July!
Now, after that, you just have to sit back, smack your lips in that way that every human person finds deplorable, and watch the retweets role in.
You sly dog.
Because the team is bad right now, but not bad enough to statistically eliminate themselves. A feeling of dread hangs over every fan, but in the back of their puny little minds is the hope that yeah, things look bad – but what if tomorrow is the beginning of the greatest comeback in Phillies history. Even they know it’s foolish, but what else are they going to root for?
And what we need more than anything are pompous dick bags reminding us how stupid we are for hoping the game ends with a Phillies win, despite the intense odds stacked against them in the long and short term.
It’s up to you and your giant, pulsating, sexy brain to save us from ourselves.
“Go Phillies!” they cheer.
But you know better.
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