The Fightins'
Jul
13
2010
Larry FN Bowa’s Midseason FN Report Card
Posted by at 9:09 am ET 59 Comments

Well, well, well. What in the hell is this thing? I’m no Internet expert, but I’ve seen enough rough-sex porn sites to know when I’m seeing a Web page that hasn’t upgraded since 2004.

Anyway, this is your good friend LarryFNBowa, taking a break from misting umpires with my spittle to do a midseason report card. I’d like to thank this Meach guy for sending me the stack of free passes to Show & Tel and for arranging a fuck fest with that @ZooWithRoy chick. Any woman who wants to go balls-deep on Halladay in the lion’s den has to be a freaky fucking broad.

Let’s get something out of the way: If you’re a kid, get the fuck out of here. This is for adults. And if you’re an adult who is offended by “bad words,” you should leave too. There is going to be the use of a lot of bad words. Want an example? Cunt. I’m going to use cunt several times. Did that send you reaching for the Bible? Then go put on the 700 Club and jerk off to the thought of your preacher, OK?

So, unlike my friend Jayson Stark, this isn’t going to be some attempt to jack off as many guys as possible in one column. I mean, I like Jayson and everything, even if his shaving that cum mop of a mustache he had was the worst fucking idea ever,but Sigh Young? Eat shit.

Anyway, let’s do this.

N.L. Least Fucking Sad Player: Tough to say. There’s been a lot of gaping assholes stepping into the box this year. Looks like Ed Wade has put together another real fucking swell team there in Houston. How many great managers’ careers is that shitstain going to torpedo while he tries to find new and exciting ways to hike his pants to his armpits? And fucking-A, Philly … how many times have you been shut out this year? 20? Fucking unreal.

Well, anyone who has even sniffed a slit knows that the best fucking player in the N.L. is Martin Prado. He plays for the team with the best record, he fucking plays a real position (fuck you Pujols, Ethier and the rest of you puds who get to stand there jacking off for 90% of the game) and he is shorter than me. This used to be Utley’s prize, but apparently Charlie has totally fucking played him into the ground. Yeah, remember when I used to get shit for overusing my FUCKING BULLPEN IN PHILLY? But nooooooo, fucking Charlie tells some story about slapping around Billy Martin 40 years ago and gets a big fucking pass.

A.L. Least Fucking Sad Player: Let’s start with this: Fuck the Yankees. OK, as for the teams that didn’t fucking pass me up to be a manager when I should’ve been hired to take over for Torre, the Rangers are next-best. And the guy who makes that team is that freak Josh Hamilton. Tell you what: I respect a guy who not only survived shooting enough heroin to kill four members on the Rolling Stones, but goes out there and kicks the shit out of the ball afterward. Best performance by a crazed drug addict since Dave Fucking Parker.

N.L. Limp Dick Failure of the Century: Mark Reynolds is a pathetic bearded clam. Hit the fucking ball, you shit stain. Jesus Fucking Christ how can you strike out that much?

A.L. Limp Dick Failure of the Century: I don’t give a fuck if he is old and retired. If I caught you napping in the clubhouse, Ken Griffey Jr., I’d shave your balls with Torre’s nosehair trimmer and fucking glue that fucking hat on your head forward-facing.

N.L. Pitcher Least Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Don’t worry about why this award is named this. It just is. Anyway, let’s get this out of the way: It ain’t Roy Halladay. He lost seven games. And I don’t want to hear about why. He did. So just shut the fuck up, Wheels. This goes to Josh Johnson. Why? Well, that fucker just shoved it up our ass last week. What about Ubaldo Jimenez? Big fucking deal. We beat that slapdick when we saw him. And our team is a bunch of cum guzzling jackoffs. End of story.

A.L. Pitcher Least Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Do I have to give out this shit? I fucking hate pitchers. OK, well let’s just say Mariano Rivera. Because he’s the biggest freak I’ve ever fucking seen and might save 1,000 games. He’s a robot. Like that Terminator guy in that Short Circuit movie.

N.L. Pitcher Most Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Joe Blanton looks like he eats David Wells and shits Curt Schilling at every meal. Fucking slob. If only he could pitch like either of those guys. Do you know how fucking sad you have to be to win this over that scrotal louse Vicente Padilla in my book? That’s how sad. Way to go, chubby.

A.L. Pitcher Most Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Speaking of fat fucking failures who used to pitch in Philly: Kevin Millwood is almost as giant a waste of talent as Travis Fucking Lee. Let that settle in. God help Juan Samuel. The fucking Orioles are the L.A. Clippers of baseball. I wouldn’t even take that manager’s job (ok, I would. Fuck it.)

N.L. and A.L. Rookies of the Year: Carry my bag, you fucking twats. You don’t get a fucking award. You’re lucky you don’t have to wear a picture of your mouth stuffed with cocks on your sleeve. Pussies.

(Follow Larry FN Bowa on Twitter, jerkoff. @LarryFNBowa)

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  • TonyIsDynamic

    I miss that fucking jerkoff in the fucking dugout. =(

  • BJ

    this just made my day

  • http://www.twitter.com/templephilsfan Pat

    Can we replace T-Mac with bowa? Just broadcast all the games on HBO.

  • http://www.cranekickchronicles.com Crane Kick

    Bravo. Encore.

  • http://twitter.com/KILLADELFIA KILLADELFIA

    George Steinbrenner read this about fifteen minutes ago.

  • RicoBrogna

    @ Pat
    I wish! +1

  • Eric

    yawn

  • PreserveJon

    Top post. Hilarious!

  • Manny Trillo

    Did I ever tell you about the time I bent down to tie my shoe, and Bowa slipped it to me right in the batting cage? That guy knows how to get his freak on.

  • 85

    ZWR, you better hide. He sounds serious.

  • Morandini’s Triple Play

    Bowa is always serious. Dude hasn’t smiled since the Phils fired Terry Francona.

  • Morandini’s Triple Play

    But to be fair……we all did.

  • Charlie Manuel

    ugh gtrse uh larry behn asg hitter ugh got fdrm uhhh good school

  • The Killer Zs

    ugh… really?

  • http://www.cranktexts.com Adam Eaton

    It’s about fuckin’ time we get some one to redeem Romeo G. Riverside. Nice work Bowa…

  • GTO

    if you guys dont follow LarryFNBowa on twitter, I highly recommend. Hilarity ensues in 140 characters or less.

  • http://i30.tinypic.com/2quq8lf.jpg Greenman!

    George Steinbrenner is pushing up daisies now, looks like the devil finally collected the deal.

  • BJ

    Greenman!, I just heard Steinbrenner is attempting to sign Satan to a 15 yr/$575 million deal…is there any truth to this?

  • http://i30.tinypic.com/2quq8lf.jpg Greenman!

    YES! we are screwed if he gets him!

  • SquirrelBoy

    Nah, he was just pissed his dead announcer was getting more press than he was. He couldn’t have had that shit happening on his watch.

  • TonyIsDynamic

    @BJ

    What’s your source? I just got tweeted by three reliable and two unreliable sources that he’s closing in on an Enternity/$850 Million deal.

    Christ, not Montero.

  • BJ

    I was puzzled when I heard they were making a run at Satan…I mean, they already have A-Rod

  • will.H

    what would i do with 850 million for the rest of eternity? rip off

  • will.H

    Miroslav Satan is on the Yankees? good skater

  • The Killer Zs

    @ BJ – that just made me spit out my coffee. Well played Mauer.

  • Morandini’s Triple Play

    Wouldn’t Satan have to shave his beard? That could be a dealbreaker.

  • Billy Martin

    Oh great….now he’s going to get me kicked out of hell. Bye-gones, George. Bye-gones!

  • Jupiter’s Rings

    Who the fuck is George Steinbender?

  • http://www.twitter.com/fuckthemets fuck the mets

    Good shit.

  • Pedro Martinez

    Fucker had it comin.

  • http://www.cityofpain.com The Catz

    This tries a little too hard to be funny. You can do better than this.

  • Ghost of Harry Kalas

    This is a lame attempt at trying to be funny. Meech, you need to filter out the writers that try too hard.

  • Tyson

    @Ghost Agreed. This is pretty stupid. I know a lot of the stuff on The Fightins is supposed to be funny, and most of it is, which is why I visit multiple times every day, but this is completely lame.

  • http://phillieslongdrive.com/ Chris

    This was amazing.

  • CarlosBeltransexual

    I had a good laugh.

  • Amandah

    I’ll give you my Carnac the Magnificent:

    Carnac: “Candace Von, a vacuum, this article.”

    Ed McMahon: “Candace Von…….a vacuum…….this article.”

    Carnac: What are three things that suck?

    Regards,

    Amandah

  • http://www.twitter.com/jondgc Jon

    I enjoy LarryFnBowa’s tweets, and I applaud his foray into a rant longer than 140 characters. Looking forward to the end of season report!

  • Brett Myers Awesome Chinbeard

    I thought this one was fucking great , and I miss that asshole Bowa!

    Phillies need to re-hire him to do something, maybe like public relations shit so he can scream and curse at some more people?

    By the way, has it ever been confirmed/denied if Bowa is Dallas Green’s son?

  • The Lone Filafel

    Im rather concerned about Larry fucking Bowa’s fucking use of fucking profanity. Doesnt ANYONE think of the fucking kids anymore, for fucks sake?

  • George Carlin

    Something else I’m getting tired of in this country is all this stupid talk I have to listen to about children. That’s all you hear about anymore, children: “Help the children, save the children, protect the children.” You
    know what I say? Fuck the children!

  • lynx088

    I just came here to say fuck.

    Fuck.

    Thank you.

  • rags to riches

    R.I.P. George Steinbrenner has passed away. The Grim Reaper was seen leaving his hospital room wearing a Red Sox hat.

  • Milt Thompson

    Shut up, Larry. You hit, what? 99 homeruns in 16 years. I could probably have caught all of them, too.

  • http://www.cranktexts.com Adam Eaton

    @lynx088 I do that all the fuckin’ time. Sometimes I’ll just type “fuck” and nothing fuckin’ else. Other times I’ll insert fuck in some fuckin’ sentance. It just fuckin’ happens.

  • http://twitter.com/4who4what ScottGraham

    It’s my birthday today and Steinbrenner died. Is it OK for me to consider that a birthday present from God?

  • Wes Chamberlain

    ^^^Nope, God doesn’t care about you

  • jake

    idc about curses, but man you over did it haha. like you just through fuck in every other word for no reason, seemed like alil much. anyway all and all i agree.

  • jd

    this post smells like cheap bourbon and domestic abuse

  • steve

    This has gotta be the funniest thing I’ve EVER read! I was in tears after the first 3 paragraphs! And I can hear Bowa saying ALL of this shit! Too fucking funny!

  • kurt

    Fuck the mets.

    And a Candace Von name dropping?

  • Brett Myers Awesome Chinbeard

    This post smells of Brett Myers,Jason Michaels, and Bobby Cox

  • TonyIsDynamic

    I like the picture used. =)

  • http://i30.tinypic.com/2quq8lf.jpg Greenman!

    When I heard Steinbrenner died I pictured the world of baseball was like the ending of Star Wars with all the Ewoks dancing around.

  • Lynniemac

    Greenman!, that’s the way I picture it when Selig dies.

  • Phan Stuck in nyc

    When I heard Steinbrenner was gone this morning, I was just shocked to hear he’d made it to 80yrs old w/o someone killing him.

  • http://twitter.com/4who4what ScottGraham

    I just picture people pulling down big statues of Steinbrenner like they did when Saddam was overthrown. And if there are no big statues of Steinbrenner, build some for the sold purpose of pulling them down.

  • Phan Stuck in nyc

    Hm, there aren’t any statues, giant or otherwise, that I know of. Maybe they can burn Seinfeld episodes.

  • http://jasintacampbell.com Jenna Brandstetter

    Miss universe 2010 for Australia Jasinta Campbell is an amazing goddess

  • Watrick

    I love Larry FN Bowa a lot more as a guest post on here than flopping around the dugout when the game didn’t go his way.

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