Well, well, well. What in the hell is this thing? I’m no Internet expert, but I’ve seen enough rough-sex porn sites to know when I’m seeing a Web page that hasn’t upgraded since 2004.

Anyway, this is your good friend LarryFNBowa, taking a break from misting umpires with my spittle to do a midseason report card. I’d like to thank this Meach guy for sending me the stack of free passes to Show & Tel and for arranging a fuck fest with that @ZooWithRoy chick. Any woman who wants to go balls-deep on Halladay in the lion’s den has to be a freaky fucking broad.

Let’s get something out of the way: If you’re a kid, get the fuck out of here. This is for adults. And if you’re an adult who is offended by “bad words,” you should leave too. There is going to be the use of a lot of bad words. Want an example? Cunt. I’m going to use cunt several times. Did that send you reaching for the Bible? Then go put on the 700 Club and jerk off to the thought of your preacher, OK?

So, unlike my friend Jayson Stark, this isn’t going to be some attempt to jack off as many guys as possible in one column. I mean, I like Jayson and everything, even if his shaving that cum mop of a mustache he had was the worst fucking idea ever,but Sigh Young? Eat shit.

Anyway, let’s do this.

N.L. Least Fucking Sad Player: Tough to say. There’s been a lot of gaping assholes stepping into the box this year. Looks like Ed Wade has put together another real fucking swell team there in Houston. How many great managers’ careers is that shitstain going to torpedo while he tries to find new and exciting ways to hike his pants to his armpits? And fucking-A, Philly … how many times have you been shut out this year? 20? Fucking unreal.

Well, anyone who has even sniffed a slit knows that the best fucking player in the N.L. is Martin Prado. He plays for the team with the best record, he fucking plays a real position (fuck you Pujols, Ethier and the rest of you puds who get to stand there jacking off for 90% of the game) and he is shorter than me. This used to be Utley’s prize, but apparently Charlie has totally fucking played him into the ground. Yeah, remember when I used to get shit for overusing my FUCKING BULLPEN IN PHILLY? But nooooooo, fucking Charlie tells some story about slapping around Billy Martin 40 years ago and gets a big fucking pass.

A.L. Least Fucking Sad Player: Let’s start with this: Fuck the Yankees. OK, as for the teams that didn’t fucking pass me up to be a manager when I should’ve been hired to take over for Torre, the Rangers are next-best. And the guy who makes that team is that freak Josh Hamilton. Tell you what: I respect a guy who not only survived shooting enough heroin to kill four members on the Rolling Stones, but goes out there and kicks the shit out of the ball afterward. Best performance by a crazed drug addict since Dave Fucking Parker.

N.L. Limp Dick Failure of the Century: Mark Reynolds is a pathetic bearded clam. Hit the fucking ball, you shit stain. Jesus Fucking Christ how can you strike out that much?

A.L. Limp Dick Failure of the Century: I don’t give a fuck if he is old and retired. If I caught you napping in the clubhouse, Ken Griffey Jr., I’d shave your balls with Torre’s nosehair trimmer and fucking glue that fucking hat on your head forward-facing.

N.L. Pitcher Least Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Don’t worry about why this award is named this. It just is. Anyway, let’s get this out of the way: It ain’t Roy Halladay. He lost seven games. And I don’t want to hear about why. He did. So just shut the fuck up, Wheels. This goes to Josh Johnson. Why? Well, that fucker just shoved it up our ass last week. What about Ubaldo Jimenez? Big fucking deal. We beat that slapdick when we saw him. And our team is a bunch of cum guzzling jackoffs. End of story.

A.L. Pitcher Least Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Do I have to give out this shit? I fucking hate pitchers. OK, well let’s just say Mariano Rivera. Because he’s the biggest freak I’ve ever fucking seen and might save 1,000 games. He’s a robot. Like that Terminator guy in that Short Circuit movie.

N.L. Pitcher Most Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Joe Blanton looks like he eats David Wells and shits Curt Schilling at every meal. Fucking slob. If only he could pitch like either of those guys. Do you know how fucking sad you have to be to win this over that scrotal louse Vicente Padilla in my book? That’s how sad. Way to go, chubby.

A.L. Pitcher Most Like That Fucking Cunt Jimmy Haynes: Speaking of fat fucking failures who used to pitch in Philly: Kevin Millwood is almost as giant a waste of talent as Travis Fucking Lee. Let that settle in. God help Juan Samuel. The fucking Orioles are the L.A. Clippers of baseball. I wouldn’t even take that manager’s job (ok, I would. Fuck it.)

N.L. and A.L. Rookies of the Year: Carry my bag, you fucking twats. You don’t get a fucking award. You’re lucky you don’t have to wear a picture of your mouth stuffed with cocks on your sleeve. Pussies.