The Fightins'
Oct
15
2010
Larry FN Bowa’s NLCS FN Preview
Posted by at 5:08 pm ET 51 Comments

Hello, Philly. I’d rather have my balls waxed with a Yankee fucking Candle and 700-grit sandpaper by fucking Dallas Green than do this, but a guy needs to make a fucking living and Matt Macchio here offered me some decent scratch and 50 Cambodian greenies to do this preview, so fuck it.

Let’s start by saying this: These two teams are here by default. The National League this season looked like the fucking volunteer table at a breast cancer walk. The fucking joke of a team I coached should’ve sold its titty milk to San Fernando Valley soccer moms. The Phillies were a fucking physical wreck all season and no one could catch them. Katy Perry’s rack hits her in the face when she jogs with more consistency than the fucking Giants do. Aubrey Fucking Huff is your offensive leader? Jesus H Christ.

So, who will win the series you ask? Well, I’m going with the Phillies in 6. Why? Because I called J-Roll the other night and fucking ripped him a new asshole for turning into Ivan DeJesus this year. I could tell he needed a fucking pep talk, and I delivered it. So if he has a sliver of fucking balls left in his heart, he’s going to put aside this pansy-ass sore leg bullshit and show the fuck up. And when he’s swinging his cock around like Brett Favre in front of his Droid, that team can’t be beat.

The pitching you ask? What the fuck do you want me to say? That if I had Halladay, Hamels and Oswalt I would’ve won 120 games and had so many fucking World Series rings that I’d have had one fitted for my cock by now? Because I would have. The Giants have some quality guys, including that fucking pothead. But come on. We started Vicente Padilla on Opening Day, and the Padres were trying to win in September with the Flyin’ Fucking Hairston brothers clogging the clubhouse shower with their twat hairs. Please, assholes.

Anyway, I’m thinking about taking a managerial gig in Japan next year. Ichiro used to call me Hetakuso, which I think means Baseball Master in Japanese. Fuck this noise. At least I know Padilla can’t fucking follow me there. He and Wheels are fucking banned after they took that winter trip there with lollipops and Little Boy Blue costumes.

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  • PhillyBirdGuy

    MLB picked Aubrey over Howard. HIS NAME IS AUBREY FOR GOD SAKES! I just can’t get over the fact that he wears thongs to “get out of a slump.”

  • will.H

    anyone see F.P Santangelo on DNL? He’s the king of twats.. nice to see the Daily News guy lay into him a bit.

  • shaas

    F.P. is a homer

  • TonyIsDynamic

    Touche Bowa, touche. ;)

  • Brandon

    “And when he’s swinging his cock around like Brett Favre in front of his Droid, that team can’t be beat.” Hahahah this is great

    By far the best series preview I’ve seen.

  • Watrick

    Emoticons? Oh no…

  • b-burg

    Pure gold

  • Chase Utley’s Theatrical Performance When Running With His Head Down to First Base After Getting “Hit” by a Pitch by that Big Cuban Fellow

    World Champions!

    WORLD FUCKIN CHAMPIONS!!!!!

  • robbie ellis

    @ #2……..I did see F. P. Santangelo on DNL and he is a douche. Significant drop off from Halladay to Oswalt and Hamels? That should give the “inferior” Oswalt and Hamels some incentive to kick the Giants asses. I didn’t really hear the DNL panel lay into him though. God, he was an asshole! Was he ever a Met????

  • will.H

    9.

    haha yeah, he definitely said “significant drop off from Halladay to Oswalt.”

    fucking brilliant

  • robbie ellis

    @ #10. Yeah, what’s he smoking? Well, opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one.

  • Wendell Magee Jr.

    The only significant drop off in Philly is when Ross is dropping fuckin’ Gloads.

  • Moose

    700 grit sand paper is actually not rough. The lower the number, the courser the paper, so as to remove the rough parts of the product. As the number increases, the paper becomes smoother, so it polishes/buffers the product more than remove damages. I remember using 220 or so on my high school wood projects and it was crazy smooth for sand paper. 700 would probably be like a slip and slide.

  • Nick the Trick

    @ 13

    I actually was planning on writing the same thing. 700 would be extremely smooth. 70 on the other hand…

  • Larry Bowa

    You haven’t sniffed a pussy since popping out of your mom’s snatch, have you Moose?

  • Bobby D

    3-0 Rangers

  • JoeBuckSUCKS

    Ha! Ha! Yankees.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    What happened guys did Cliff Lee hit a 3 run homer?

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    I’d usually be watching the game but it’s the season finale night on the Disney channel and I can’t miss my programs.

  • Joe Girardi

    Come on you fat fucker throw fucking strikes damnit.

  • Tamuel

    Does anyone else think that CC drew that mustache with a sharpie and that it makes him look like a black, French pedophile?

  • C C Sabathia

    Ima huff huff gonna huff huff havta huff huff throwup now.

  • Jimmy Rollins

    I would have been so safe there, I woulda scored 2 runs.

  • John

    i love this site lol

  • Moose

    @15

    Quite the opposite Lar’. Actually had some nice kitty the other night. But nice try

  • shipsass

    Roy Halladay and Don Larsen do not have to make room on the couch for C J Wilson.

  • Bob Sheppard

    Fuck You Jetah you washed up has been. Your gonna cost my team another 80 some million, insist on leading off and play SS with less range than Uribe. Give us a break and call it quits. Now back to the anal rapings with Georgie and Thurman.

  • John Matrix

    I think CC has a yeast infection in his neck fold. Guy is gross

  • derp

    these announcers are a clusterfuck of disappointment

  • shipsass

    I want to see Lee vs Halladay because I’m a baseball fan. Yankees losing is a secondary benefit.

  • RSR

    Ha, our Pastor was wondering why a school in Philadelphia would be fundraising with Yankee FN Candles (okay, Father Moley didn’t say FN). Once we explained they just smell nice and have nothing to do with the MLB FN Yankees (Okay, we didn’t say FN; Father’s from Brooklyn BTW–not a Yankees fan!) he was on board.

  • Morandini’s Triple Play

    @27: best comment I read today!

    @ Larry: its great to have you back in town. How’d ya like to coach 3rd in red pinstripes next year?

  • Greg

    And the fucking Yankees have Steroids on first and third with no outs in the top of the 8th. The Rangers Bullpen sucks. 5-5 is the score.

  • Greg

    And the TBS announcers just had an orgasm cause the Yankees have the lead.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    What no Swisher? I expected more from our our troll.

  • The baseball Cole just tossed away

    JEFF FRANCOEUR, ahahah

  • Bozo

    The TBS announcers are indeed hard to listen to.

  • hoser

    My girlfriend is in town and I just showed her this blog for the first time. She is still laughing….

    You guys are the best!

  • Bozo

    Well that was a pretty anticlimactic at-bat between Rivera and Hamilton.

  • Bozo

    It’s almost Saturday!

  • Bozo

    It’s Saturday!

  • FanSince09

    Rangers should of started CLIFF LEE!!!

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eih4rqhy1p4 What Would Mike Sweeney Do?

    42,

    Well done, sir.

  • That other guy

    i met the Rangers last year outside a pub on 4th of July, they are so fuckin jacked, kinda scared me lol, but they’re really cool, my fuckin friend made us sound like retards tho, cuz he thought the Rangers were an actual pennant contender
    i thought that woulda made the Rangers mad but it didnt so we survived haha

  • http://pabaseball.blogspot.com GM-Carson

    “So if he has a sliver of fucking balls left in his heart.” Best. Line. Ever.

  • http://glassesofjoe.blogspot.com jd

    young james’ lame leg shall turn into the stanky leg. swagger attained.

    nlcs mvp to young james

  • http://www.twitter.com/Proto_Man Captain Awesome

    I watched the Rangers’ meltdown. Looks like the Banks are 1 game closer to a Pennant (which, if the Rangers play like they do today, they’ll get.) It was really sad to see this happen, as I want to see Lee/Halladay (also, seeing how dangerous the Yankees are after the 7th worries me). But based on the games I’ve seen, the Yankees won the DS and are leading the CS because of stupid mistakes on the other team, kinda like how badly the Reds failed in Game 2 doing more damage than anything else. If the Phils can limit their stupidity and the Jimmy & Piece can come alive again, the Phils should be right as rain.

    Larry, can you give Piece a peptalk too? Maybe tell him to put bat to ball instead of going on TV shows?

  • shipsass

    This goes to show that when fighting the New York Zombies, it’s essential to cut off their heads, because even down 5-1 going into the eighth inning they will claw their way out of the grave to eat your brains.

  • will.H

    captain awesome, that was some of the worst managing ive ever seen. pulling relievers after one pitch.. they never got time to settle in. Bunting with your leadoff hitter with 2 strikes, no outs to move a slow ass runner to second on the best closer to ever live? horrible.. you don’t give Mo free outs to work with. Andrus is better off working an AB right after that leadoff single.. you’re probably not going to double him up anyway. It was a high risk low reward baseball situation.. the best that can happen is you move the slow runner to second. the worst that can happen is you bunt foul with 2 strikes and completely had ‘em the game. Just bad all around.

  • http://www.twitter.com/Proto_Man Captain Awesome

    I agree, much like the Twins series, bad management killed their lead. I trust Cholly and our players to be much smarter than that, especially after last year’s poor performances in the WS.

  • One-Ball Kruk

    The National League this season looked like the fucking volunteer table at a breast cancer walk. The fucking joke of a team I coached should’ve sold its titty milk to San Fernando Valley soccer moms.

    Amen

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