The Fightins'
May
03
2013
Kyle Kendrick’s Thoughts from Last Night’s Win
Posted by at 1:05 pm ET 14 Comments

Top of the first, runners on first and third, no outs

kyle3

Okay so this is a pretty bad start but I can recover.  Right?  Sure.  I just need to get all of the outs myself.  Yeah, that’ll do it.

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO DO THIS shhhh shut up Kyle shut up just stop that noise.  You got this.  Confidence.  Self-confidence.  What did dad always say? “Keep it down, I’m trying to read Civil War books.”  Wait how does that help.  THIS IS UTTERLY HOPELESS stop it Kyle jesus christ.

**induces double play**

kyle4

I… that wasn’t a bases-clearing triple at all.  Well a run scored, but there’s two outs now, and… actually that could have gone way worse. 

Am I… okay?  Should I get the trainer?  No; he told me “We’ll come to you.”

Top of the second, runner on second, two outs

Fuck fuck fuck this is it, I know it.  This is gonna be the guy.  I’m gonna throw it, and hear a horrible ‘crack’ and the ball’s gonna be sailing between two of the outfielders, I just know it.  Take your time getting the ball back to me, Kratz; I want to enjoy tonight as long as I can.  Oh god, here it is, this is the end, OH GOD

**strikes out Alex Sanabia**

Wait that was the pitcher

 

Bottom of the third, after singling

Yeah Kyle, on base and everything!  Welcome to the new KK!  You should ask your agent to trademark that.  “The New KK.”  Maybe Sports Illustrated will want to use that for my cover story.  Does that make sense?  I guess it doesn’t have a double meaning.  Ooooh, how about “Special KK?”  Yeah, awesome.  That’s it.  I like that cereal.  I mean, I have to take the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms and put them in the Special K before I eat it, but it’s worth it, to feel like a grown up.  Ha, ha, ha!  What am I doing?  Having the interview in my head!  That’s crazy!

Wait what’s happening.

Am I out?

Why is Ryne Sandberg screaming at me?  This is like that nightmare I had about that poster in my room when I was a kid.

Top of the third, two out, bases loaded

Look at all these runners!  How the fuck did this happen?! 

kyle5

This has to be Kratz’s fault.  Yeah.  When this is over, I’ll just do what Roy did and blame Kratz.  Why does Kratz hate pitching?  Is it because he can’t do it?  Probably. 

Yeah, there you go, Kyle.  Special KK, at it again. Spinning yourself out of trouble.  Okay but now I have to pitch the ball again and just get through this.  All right here we go come on damn it oh god here we go

**strikes out Rob Brantly**

Top of the fifth, no outs, no one on

Well, you’re definitely gonna walk this guy, Kyle.  You really blew this one.  3-2 count?  On the lead off hitter?  Now he’s definitely gonna get on base, the announcers will call it a “terrific at-bat” and I keep moving through a forgettable career. 

That’s all I am out here.  A memory waiting to be forgotten.  You think these people are gonna remember me?  No.  I’ll be a trivia answer somebody gets by cheating with their smart phone.  “Who was that guy on the Phillies who sucked all the time?” Me.  Special KK.  And I’ll be sitting in the corner of that bar, miserable and alone, drinking myself to death, ginger ale after ginger ale

**line drive strikes him in hip**

kyle

OOWWWWWW HOLY FUCK

Where is it where is it fuck you Kratz help me where is it where is it

**throws runner out**

YEAH

FUCK YEAH

SPECIAL KK BABY

Oh sweet jesus the pain.  Do I need drugs?

No, KK.  That’s a dark path.  Don’t go down it.

Top of the sixth, no outs, no one on

Kyle you got this you got this they gave you some runs now you can fuck up a few times and it’s okay see I told you it would be fine ha ha ha this is like playing in the backyard with dad only nobody’s really mad all the time.

I can take a deep breath, relax, enjoy the nice weather, the fans, being outside.  Yeah.  Baseball is all right.  Got a nice little cushion of runs to fall back on last inning, thanks to Ryan and the gang.  That Ryan – always helping a guy out.  Not like that fieindish Kratz character.  What’s his deal, anyway?  Always trying to talk to me after the inning is over.  Roy never talks to him like that.  Why’s he think he can talk to me? 

Ha ha ha remember that time Ryan was like, “Hey guys, check out this penis I drew on all of Kyle’s uniform pants.”  We all had a big group laugh together that day.  What great chemistry this team has.  We’re all best buddies.  I bet we go all the way to the World Ser

**gives up home run to Justin Ruggiano**

kyle2

I am going to die alone.

      Read More: , ,
  • Kyle’s World Series Ring

    This made my day. Please make this a feature.

  • James Fayleez

    You had me at “i had that poster on my wall as a kid.”

  • BigMiles

    Hilarious

  • http://Zoowithroy.com ZWR

    yesplz

  • Philly fan stuck in DC

    Kyle Kendrick –

    “Keep those crayons coming”

  • Justin

    “…alone, drinking myself to death, ginger ale after ginger ale.”

    Ha!

  • Sergio

    Made my day

  • http://twitter.com/ilovechooch Jess

    Needs one of these after every Kendrick start.

  • http://twitter.com/chillypsu chilly

    spinoff – KK at the shrink’s office

  • Bud

    This is pretty special stuff right here – welcome back fightins, we are gonna need you this season.

  • dmitsy

    Man I missed this place

  • my beer

    Keep the drugs Kyle!

  • Phil Ease

    Absofuckinglutely hilarious.

  • FaceplantI

    Who was that guy on the Phillies that sucked all the time? Me… Special KK.

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