Welcome to Joe Savery: a Life, another entry into out series in which we put words on the internet.
You may think Joe “Recalled from Lehigh Valley” Savery is just the warm body the Phillies cram into a duffel bag and sling onto the bus from Lehigh Valley every time some actually recognizable player steps on a land mine.
But there’s a lot you don’t know about Joe, only some of which is made up. For instance, Joe is a human being with a whole life of things that have happened to him.
- Joe Savery attended Lamar High School in Texas, which was used as the filming location for the Chuck Norris movie, Sidekicks. It was Karate Kid, only the kid suffers from dangerous hallucinations in which Chuck Norris appears to give him workout advice.
- There is also a time capsule buried in front of the school, to be opened in the year 2037, so teenagers with AI constructs teaching them the history of Europa’s mole people in an edu-helmet can learn about the past – an era defined by movies like Sidekicks, starring Chuck Norris.
- In 2004, as a senior in high school, Joe went 11-0 on the mound with 93 strikeouts. “Joe is obviously one of the premier pitchers and hitters in college baseball,” said Wayne Graham, a person.
- A year later, Joe was playing in the Super Regional game, and broke his hand in the first inning while making a catch against the fence. The next inning, he stayed in the game and bunted for a base hit. That same season, he served as his own DH six times. This was in direct violation of NCAA rules, which dictate that amateur players cannot create a paradox more than five times a season. Joe was reprimanded in the form of being drafted by the Phillies the next year.
- Joe was drafted in 2007 with the Phillies’ first pick. Eight picks earlier, Phillippe Aumont went to the Mariners. Nine picks later, Ben Revere would go to the Twins. Little did they know that they’d one day all be on a team without Roy Halladay.
- “I wasn’t awful,” Joe said in July 2011 about how awful he considered himself and whether he had a track record of doing anything well. “I think I have a track record of doing SOME things well; maybe not well enough to pitch for the best team in baseball.”*
- Joe made his Major League debut the same day Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was officially ended, forcing news outlets across the country to decide which story to lead with. Most went with DADT repeal, but the Joe Savery Times infamously led with the prospect’s debut. Combined with a complete lack of interest in their subject matter, the paper would eventually implode moments later.
- 2012 was Joe’s first year on an opening day roster. Two weeks later he was bumped to make room for Jose Contreras, who would go on to do absolutely nothing to stop the Phillies from having a real bag of dicks of a year. Joe would also do nothing to stop this. No one could. Chris Wheeler would famously refer to that season as “…one hell of a dick bag.”
Now, will all that useful Joe Savery knowledge under your cap, let us reflect on some of the more poignant quotes from Sidekicks.
- Jerry Gabrewski: My son has asthma!
- Mr. Lee: I have something for you. [takes off Barry’s shirt]
- Horn: … you have less brains than a woodpecker on an aluminum telephone pole.
*By “best team in baseball” he means the Phillies.†
†The Phillies were once the best team in baseball
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