Philadelphia is a long shot to host the 2024 Olympics.
Some cities are places people seem to want to go. Some are even combining forces to make a real push. Given our city’s frequent, incoherent, burning of bridges, the likelihood of our own mutually beneficial partnership is low.
How do we, then, keep pace with the immense support these other cities will gain by joining together? That’s right, by awkwardly shoe-horning our favorite sports team into the situation.
So now, we begin the process of submitting Philadelphia Olympic logo ideas on behalf of the Phillies, who would almost certainly prevent us from doing so if they didn’t think all of these were brilliant.
A freakish smattering of stubbornness, anger, and bone dust, nothing embodies the Olympic spirit like an athlete unwilling to surrender, even in the face of constant defeat or pain or family members begging them to.
Chase’s knees are a pair of trophies that he’ll smile and nod at one day – in private, where all smiling in the Utley household takes place – next to his two consecutive MVP Awards that he won at 45 and 46 years old, from on top of a pair of revolutionary cyber-knees.
Foreign athletes learning of Chase’s training, playing, and rehabilitation regimen will be inspired to play the sport they love until their body rejects it, physically. And we don’t want Olympians leaving Philadelphia without feeling like they exhausted every ounce of effort, blood, and feces they have.
This is assuming they all have Utley’s “not dying” ability as well.
**Cliff Lee’s sleeping chamber hisses open; steam pours out; several scientists approach in awe as he awakens.**
“Cliff. The world is different now. President Obama took Jonathan Papelbon’s guns and the Communists invaded almost immediately. Kyle Kendrick tried to fill the void left by Roy Halladay’s departure from baseball and accidentally burned the city to the ground. Charlie Manuel choked to death on the word “inoculation.” Ruben Amaro said he’d traded himself to Los Angeles but was last seen sprinting next to a boxcar and trying to hurl his luggage on board. War, pestilence and greed have foresaken this planet and we need a balanced symbol of skill and humility to teach people how to be humans again for this global gathering of the earth’s greatest physical specimens.”
Ryan Howard’s contract – binding, all-powerful, eternal, and maintained through any measure of pain and suffering. Howard’s contract will likely be all that survives a nuclear war, providing shelter and entertaining reading material for cockroaches fluent in legalese.
As longstanding as the Liberty Bell and as painful as a nine volt battery to the brain, Howard’s contract is legal proof that something can go last forever, as long you’re willing to pay out the ass.
The Olympics will be exciting for a while, and make us the center of the universe, but in the end, all we’ll be left with is heaps of garbage, gutted infrastructure, and the memory of “Oh god why did we do this.”
In both cases it seemed like a good idea at the time, but now we’ve got something of a mess on our hands.
The Philadelphia Sports Monster
“Hello, everyone, and welcome to the opening ceremonies for the 2024 Olympics here in Philadelphia. I’m Galactic Counsel Philadelphia Representative Adam Aron. You may remember me as former CEO of the 76ers, until our Confetti Manufacturing division became too powerful and tricked me out of my share in the company. Fortunately, I’ve still got this gig and they let me work in the confetti factory on weekends. Joining me on stage is my assistant, Michael Nutter’s head on the body of a spider-bot.”
“Hello, Adam, and all you Olympians. Adam, I just wanted to say to you from your friends over at the spider robot company, you’re doing a hell of a job here.”
“Thanks, Michael. It’s not too tough, I just tear the big pieces of paper into little pieces. Anyway, as the city rep, I’d like to introduce you to my friend, the Philadelphia Sports Monster!”
**Immense shadow sweeps over the crowd. A Phanatic with huge eagle wings, wearing a goalie mask and brandishing a Gatling gun t-shirt cannon lands on the stage.**
[In Bane voice] “Greetings people of earth.”
**Audience full of confused foreigners screams, attempts to flee**
“Did somebody say free high-velocity t-shirts?!?!”
“No, I think you’re scaring—“
**Begins recklessly firing cannon into audience**
- 700 Level
- Crashburn Alley
- High Cheese
- House That Glanville Built
- Philadelphia Will Do
- Philled In
- Philly Gameday
- Philly Gossip
- Phoul Ballz
- The Good Phight
- The Insider
- The Zo Zone
- Where's Weems?
- Who Does He Play For?
- Zoo With Roy