The Fightins'
CONFIRMED: Pat Burrell is The Machine
Posted by at 11:57 am ET 141 Comments

A few days ago, dong-shot specialists Deadspin ran a video of Giants closer Brian Wilson doing an appearance with Chris Rose on his Fox Sports show Cheap Seats via satellite from his house when a man wearing a gimp outfit casually walked behind him mid-interview. Then later on, during a post-victory NLCS locker room celebration, Rose once again interviewed Wilson, but this time he referred to the leather-clad fella who mysteriously showed up at his house as “The Machine.”

Here’s some video to fill you in (wait until the :43 second mark):

So Deadspin asked, who is The Machine?

After narrowing down the suspects, they decided that the culprit was more than likely Pat Burrell, former left-fielder for the Philadelphia Phillies and Wilson’s current teammate. Now that’s some mighty fine investigative work by the Deadspin boys, because for the last couple of years, I have been sitting on a picture of Pat Burrell in all his gimp-outiftted glory, but never ran it because the guy who gave me the picture didn’t want to get caught.

Well, that was a few years ago when Pat Burrell was a Phillie, and since he’s now with the SF Giants, and it’s basically public knowledge anyway, I’m gonna go ahead and share the picture with everyone…

I don’t really want to go into detail about how I acquired this picture, but it was taken at Pat Burrell’s house in Arizona during a Christmas party in (I believe) December of ’04 (possibly ’05). According to my picture-taking accomplice, every year during his Christmas party — which is attended by a veritable who’s who of baseballers who spend their winters out in AZ — Pat wanders upstairs and slips into his assless-chapped gimp outfit to entertain his party guests while making them feel extremely uncomfortable all at the same time.

Another reason I never shared the pic is because the quality is just god-awful. It was taken on one of those ancient 1.2 megapixel camera phones from the mid-00’s. Plus, the person who gave me the pic put that little “man or machine” thought bubble in there which certainly detracts from the photo, but is kinda funny in retrospect considering his gimpy character name is now known as The Machine.

So, without further ado — here’s The Machine (Pat Burrell) from about 5 years ago wearing the same outfit that he wore in that Brian Wilson video:

  • Pat Burrell’s Chapped Ass

    Fightin’s fans are speechless.

  • theKrisheim

    meechone 4ever

  • Craig

    I am simply stunned. Brian Wilson brought the mask on Jim Rome Is Burning back in early August and talked about The Machine there too. This is too great. – The Machine’s mask comes towards the end, 7:30 mark when the phone call comes, closer to 8 minute mark when the mask comes out.

  • Matt

    PtB, how I miss you so.

  • Robert Stack

    Next on Unsolved Mysteries… Why 29 young adults in Japan are speaking with an incoherent Midwestern drawl.

  • C. Lou

    I’m stunned. And I can’t help but completely loving Brian Wilson. He’s a weird, weird dude.

  • Cole Handsome

    I always enjoyed dressing up in little outfits with Pat Burrell, but he would asking me what the fuck I was looking at.

  • Heathcliff Slocumb

    I was once told a story by the brother of a woman who went home with Pat one night when he lived in CC Philly, which is summed up by Pat donning something that was descried to be very similar to this, and while giving it to the chick, he spoke the words, “How does it feel to get fucked by Pat Burrell.”

    I was never sure whether to believe the story until now.

  • FanSince09 now Former Fan

    It’s probably Coal Hammel

  • Sweet Dee


  • Heathcliff Slocumb

    And not that anyone needs more proof, but there’s also this dumb article about some alleged bad-philly-fan behavior that connects Wilson & Burrell:

  • Steve Jeltz’s Jury Curl Juices

    You have to f*cking love meech & his Arizona connections to Pat the bat. Good stuff

  • Irish Pub bathroom stall

    But a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.

  • johnny

    All chaps are assless. Otherwise they’d be leather pants

  • Camille


  • 2nd schtreet phan in SD

    I need a Silkwood scrub after watching that. One can only imagine what happened after the cameraman left.


    Yeah, I know johnny, but “assless chaps” just looks better than plain ol’ “chaps”.

    btw, I’m wearing a sleeveless tank top right now.

  • Nick the Trick


  • GTO

    you, sir, should get a Pulitzer for your investigative reporting prowess

  • Trich

    I’d really like Brian Wilson if I didn’t hate him so much.

  • Jon

    This is too awesome for words.

  • PHLinPDX

    Well played Brian Wilson. You’ve taken my slight hatred for you and turned it around now that i see you’re just a goofball.

  • Greg V.

    Pat the Gimp!

  • http://huh? Arena

    4, bring back the bat. i was just saying how id like to time share dom with magglio ordonez, a right handed bat with some pop. or.. we could bring back pat. chase and pat were good friends, i think thatd be good for the club house. two phillies from 08 i wish we had for club house purposes (to bring back that Xfactor, that fight in us), pat the bat and brett the wife beater. In my opinion, you need that personality, that charisma, that FIGHT in the dugout.

    anyone remember when brett got everyone together to prank KK into thinking he got traded to the japanese leagues? that was classic.

  • Raul Ibanez

    So this is what that meant when they said I would never be as good of a “clubhouse guy” as Pat, huh?

  • Gabrielle

    @ Arena:

    We may need that FIGHT in the dugout, but we don’t need it including ball gags and leather handcuffs.

  • Phan Stuck in nyc

    JEEZE, gross, that’s just . . . eww. I need to be sick. Somebody sandblast the filth off me.

    But … um let me get this straight, so is he Brian Wilson’s love slave or the other way around? heh heh

  • Joe D

    How am I supposed to root against the Bat? How??!!?!


    You can’t, Joe D. I’ve tried.

  • joe (required)


  • Joe D

    Last night I was trying to enjoy his failure to bring in a guy from 3rd with less than 2 outs as he did his ass out-hands up move and I just couldn’t get into it.

  • Phan Stuck in nyc

    Well sorry guys, I’ll admit it I’ve never liked him much … and I have no explanation.

  • Brian Wilson

    Pat takes care of me with his bat……..isn’t he sexy

  • Greenman!

    I’m wearing laceless slippers

  • Burrell is gay

    what a homo………freakin freak

  • Adam Eaton

    Uhhhhhhhhhh should I change my gravatar now?

  • stinkbug

    he looks kinda flabby.

  • smfiv

    This puts the Burrell Man or Machine t-shirts from spring training 2008 on a whole new level.

  • Burrell is gay

    Brian Wilson looks better then me with clothes off……..just sayin

  • drew


  • The Gimp from Pulp Fiction

    I am so disturbed by this….

  • http://huh? Arena

    25, RAUUUUUUUUUUULLL!!!! 26, no ball gags and hand cuffs in the dugout, jokes or not. and as long as its fun and games outside of the clubhouse, bring back the bat

  • 2nd schtreet phan in SD

    Said guy’s video still wins. If Burrell and Wilson are a couple, who’s the top?

  • Danny

    I miss Pat so much, mostly for the stories like this, not so much the underachieving play.

  • Cole Handsome

    I think we should protest the NLCS. Pat Burrell stole our safewords.

  • hoser

    Meech, I’m fucking speechless…….

    Although it does appear that “The Machine” has put on a few pounds.

  • James

    The name Machine comes from a character in the 1999 film “8mm” who wore a similar mask.

  • jake

    wow. that’s insane. i think brian wilson is a funny guy man, hate to say it.

  • Tiffany


  • The DE Contingency

    Hi I’m Brian Wilson! I’m so edgy and cool, and I say random things on TV because I’m so complex! I love bands you’ve never heard of, and I’m clearly unique.

    fuck off, fag.

  • Street Fan

    Pat Burrell is somebody I’ll never miss. Said. *tilts head* SAID!!!!

  • maggie

    Brian Wilson, you are trying too hard. And it’s not working. Pat — come back to Philly– all is forgiven.

  • Kevin Wilson

    How can anyone not love Pat Burrell? The dude just doesn’t give a shit, and is hilarious.

    Was he called the machine before the Brett Myers t-shirt or was this comment referring to that?

  • Coley for Prez

    You will never be as hot as me………….you FAT FUCK!

  • Defenestrate Wheels

    Hide you keeds, hide yo wife and hide yo bull pen caaaause Pat the Bat is rapin eurrybody up in he-yah

  • Grandpa Moyer

    see y’all later!

  • Morandini’s Triple Play

    Its times like this that I miss Amanduh.

  • Maera

    My douche alarm goes off whenever Brian Wilson speaks. You can try to dispute it but the alarm is pretty accurate.

  • b12

    @58. Same. I want to be attracted to him but I just can’t make it happen.

  • Wayne

    This bolg is great.

  • PhillyPhanInIthaca

    It all clicked when someone said Man or Machine.

    You see the Machine walk and you just KNOW that’s Burrell’s walk. In left field, around the batter’s box. You know you’ve seen it before. And now it’s confirmed.

    That’s great hustle, Meech. Proud to read this site daily.

    And yeah, I enjoy Brian Wilson thoroughly now. Not afraid to say it.

  • Nick Chertock

    My B Weezy/Machine video is the most comprehensive on the topic online

  • Need to know basis

    b12, you are indeed a girl, aren’t you?

  • Scott

    “Heathcliff Slocumb says:
    October 28, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    I was once told a story by the brother of a woman who went home with Pat one night when he lived in CC Philly, which is summed up by Pat donning something that was descried to be very similar to this, and while giving it to the chick, he spoke the words, “How does it feel to get fucked by Pat Burrell.”

    I think he asked the same question to the owner of the Tampa Bay Rays…

  • Scott

    I just threw up in my mouth a lot.

  • FanSince09 now Former Fan

    I may have to go as the Machine for halloween now. My original thought was to go as Hammels and wear my Phils jersey with a stuffed dog in a backpack and have dildos everywhere to indicate his high DSUHA

  • Nantucket Man

    So FanSince09 Halloween
    Will traverse about as “Machine”
    As such he will forgo
    His puppy and dildo
    But will still get his backpacked, know what I mean?

  • will.H

    can we get a tyler walker update. oh there he is

  • b12

    oh yeah, i should’ve mentioned that I’m having trouble being attracted to bw cause I’m a straight man. JK LOL, totes a girl

  • will.H

    just look at Matt Cain, he looks like a grown up Thurman Murman

  • Ryan

    God, I love this website.

  • Howard Eskin


  • Ron Washington

    Snap! No runs in the 4th.
    Anybody got a bump?

  • illafifth

    God, I miss Pat. And girl, if it helps.

  • Girl who got groped and seemed cool with it but wasn’t happy at all about it

    Don’t get any ideas, buddy.

  • Wheels from Marple Newtown

    Geez, the Bat is one goofy guy. Man o man has he gotten mileage outta that gimp bit. That reminds me of the time Hudler wanted to act out the Taxi Driver scene but with me as the mirror. Can you believe it? What a goofball. But this Burrell is a sicko. A real zany character. Imagine a clubhouse full of these nutbags. It’d be like my old line dancing class all over again ah geez.

    I hope he brings that thing back to me.

  • Nino Espinosa

    Ya know, I consider myself a pretty open minded guy. I am a little older, fun loving, married with kids, and enjoy a good porn once in a blue moon.
    However, anyone who brings out a gimp is in another time zone. While completely and totally hysterical, its also very disturbing.
    This, coupled with Aubrey Huffs thong wearing and Wilsons man love for his dog really makes one wonder WTF goes on in their clubhouse? I know its San Fran and all, but comon?

  • Watrick

    Brian Wilson was actually an actor in the movie “Wet Hot American Summer”, right?

  • John Kruk’s Lonely Nut

    I’m wearing a leg-less birthday suit.

  • Bozo

    Nice going Rangers.

  • Bozo

    What I meant to say was “Stop fucking sucking, Rangers”

  • Trying to break the meds

    i tried to justify it in so many ways looking for the least point of idiocy to grasp upon and hold with a death grip of the mercinary newfound fan. But everyway i shook it out it came up Texas Rangers/ DallasCowboys/ Texas Cowboys/ Dallas Rangers. No I can not do it i will nodo it i will become a brother of Ben before i fall to the depths of hell and root for tejas

  • i don’t like jokes

    giants are about to be up 2-0 in the world series…balls.

  • Giants World Series Champs 2010

    Guess who is 2 wins away from winning the World Series?

    Feel better, now?

    Has Ryan Howard gotten that off-season surgery to remove the bat from his shoulder?!?!?!

  • i don’t like jokes

    literally gay.

    if my team was up 2-0 in the world series i wouldn’t be on the blog of the team they beat in the nlcs. you don’t really like baseball do you

  • Greenman!

    hey everyone! Jeff Francouer has the chance to be the final out! hooray!

    Fyi #85 thats the Nick Swisher troll under another moniker

  • Greenman!


  • Bozo

    It’s probably Nick Swisher or some other retard

  • Bozo

    Oh wow at that final score… Is this the same Rangers team that beat the Rays and Yankees? Well at the very least this will probably end all “Cliff Lee vs Roy Halladay” arguments, I’m ok with that.

  • CarlosBeltransexual

    Where is our Nick Swisher troll? Spitting on Mrs. Lee? Having bin Laden knock a building down on him? Getting bedbugs?

  • Lynniemac

    As soon as I saw the video I thought “well, that’s certainly Pat’s walk.” And to think we could have had him for $300K.

  • Giants World Series Champs 2010

    The party in the Castro, Potero Hill, Bernal Heights, Chinatown, Cole Valley, the Haight, Pacific Heights, Russian Hill etc………………

    All night long!

  • Greenman!

    don’t forget the lube!

  • Giants World Series Champs 2010

    Greenman!: Guess what? Your team f**king choked!

    Couldn’t happen to a better fanbase!

  • Pete D

    Didn’t those T shirts they handed out before the 2008 season say “man or machine?” on them? Forgive me, i didn’t read all 90 comments, but I thought I remember that.

  • Greenman!

    lol you’re Swisher and you’re pathetic. You are not very effective at making me angry. Try again!

  • Giants World Series Champs 2010

    Greenman: I’m not nick swisher! Who the f*ck is he? Some scrub who used to play for the A’s?

    Hey greenman! You’re Phillies team isn’t that good. You’re lucky you won a world series against Tampa!

    Typical Philly scumbag! 1 Title in 30 years?

  • Greenman!

    you forgot to add clowns at the end of that.

  • Pedro

    so long Jamie Moyer


    keepin it one hunnert.

  • Where were the Giants fans the last 10 years?

    “Typical Philly scumbag! 1 Title in 30 years?”

    hahahahaha @ Giants, when was the last time the Giants won the World Series???

    Fucking moron.

    You backed your way into a division title with the monumental collapse of the Padres, beat an injury-riddled and inept Braves squad, then managed to find yourself in the NLCS against the team with the best record in all of baseball in a huge offensive slump.

    And actually, the Rays in 2008 were FAR better than the Rangers in 2010 – a team you haven’t even won the series against yet!

    All the Phillies did in 2008 was beat an explosive Rockies team in the first round, a red-hot Manny-led Dodgers team, and a Rays team that boasted the best starting pitching staff and bullpen in all of baseball – and don’t leave out the fact that Tampa’s offense was among the top as well.

    Learn a little something about baseball before you come trolling on another teams BLOG.

    I bet you were the guy in the stands at your first Giants game of the season last night holding the “Ring around the Posey” sign last night, weren’t you?

  • DR Heller

    Who cares……People need to lighten up.

  • chen


  • chen

    Still have not watched ONE SECOND of this Series.

  • chen

    If I wasn’t so bitter about the Giants and THIS GUY IN PARTICULAR, I would find this very funny.

    ………………………………….okay it’s funny.

  • Comic Book Guy

    worst World Series ever

  • LanceParrish

    Hilarious and a little disturbing all at the same time. I keep checking the site a couple of times of day hoping that all of the shirts reappear if just for an hour or so.

  • Kenny Junod

    RAJ should have signed pat when he got cut by TB. He would have made the lineup more patient at the plate & a better option than rauuul


    Some of you guys just try too hard to be witty especially in the attempted comebacks at trolls.

    For example, cheapshot #90 had to say something about New Yorkers getting buildings dropped on them by Bin Laden. Not cool.

  • RedBurb

    @101 – Phils beat the Brewers the first round in 08 not the Rockies.

  • blah blah blah

    right he should’ve said helping muslims build mosques less than a block away from where bin laden dropped buildings.

    wonder what the ratings have been for this world series..anyone heard anything?

  • Ray


    People shouldn’t comeback at them at all. Ignore them and they will go away. The reason they come here is to get us all riled up and snap back at them. If you take that away, then it’s pointless to troll here.

  • illafifth

    I also love Chris Rose’s laugh at 1:07 and the image of him holding his face in absolute horror, lol… Pat really does seem like one big handsome ball of contradictions, doesn’t he—quiet/wild man, humble/vain, unemotional/’THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT, MOTHERFUCKER??!!’ Nothing against Raul, I really do miss #5, though.

  • http://Kennethinthe212 Tom

    Kenneth in the 212 beat you to this story days ago on the 25th!


    Perhaps. But Kenneth in the 212 didn’t CONFIRM it with picture evidence now did he?

  • James Anthony Happ

    What a nasty fellow.

  • Greenman!

    look out Tom, Meech reads the comments!

  • Phillyfan1966

    Does anyone remember the movie 8mm with Nicholas Cage…..hello…….the person who wore that outfit in the snuff video was called the machine. MAYBE that is why he is calling him the machine and not becasue it is Pat Burrell

  • Nikita

    This, coupled with Aubrey Huffs thong wearing and Wilsons man love for his dog really makes one wonder WTF goes on in their clubhouse? I know its San Fran and all, but comon?

    One of the Spanish game announcers said walking though the San Fran locker room made his skin crawl. Or words to that effect. Well, if there was any doubt exactly WHY Burrell showed up butt nekkid at Aubrey’s dorm so many years ago…it has officially been obliterated.

    wtf is happening to babsell?

  • Greenman!

    haha I just read over at the 700 level Jose Guillen was on HGH, cheating Giants!!!!

  • bigmyc

    Phillyfan from 1966, perhaps Burrell has been dubbed a “Machine” because of his affinity for that Gimp getup…

    Or maybe it’s all coincidence that the word, “machine” has been doubly involved.

    Me thinks that there a quite a few skanks in the Delaware Valley area who have seen this ensemble first hand.

  • James Fayleez

    THE BIG BANG THEORY and CSI were the most watched shows last nigth at 8 and 9 respectively.

    People would rather watch nerds and crime drama than this awful World Series.

  • Ron Noel

    the comments & names are the best part of this f*cking site

  • Nikita

    OK, I was on my way to lunch and that image kept nagging in my head, that white hairy pudgy body in assless chaps, and I couldn’t quite place it…then in a flash it came to me: JOHN TRAVOLTA.
    (Has anyone seen the latest tabloid pics of him in gay steam room?)

    Pat fricken Burrell mouthin off to Roy Halladay…PtB, if you get a WS parade this year, remember to at least call Rent-A-Chick so you don’t have to bring your damn dog instead of a real date and the whole world ends up speculating whether or not you’re inhabiting a leather-lined assless-chapped closet.

  • Von Hayes

    I can hear the “gimp” chant next time The Bat come to CBP…whatever uniform he is wearing.

  • AP

    As always well done, meechie. This is just too ridiculous for words. My coworker in San Fran said he “knew it!” when I sent this link to him.

  • Milt Thompson

    I’m going to Seattle boys!

  • Where were the Giants fans the last 10 years?

    Good call 110, my apologies. I was thinking of the NLDS last year. I should have known better, I was at Game 1 of the 2008 NLDS (I’m sure you all remember how interesting Lidge made the 9th inning).

    2008 NLDS only consisted of Shaney bangin a salami off Sabathia – the last GS in the postseason by any team, mind you. Too bad we wasted a couple salami opportunities this postseason.

    What frustrates me is that the Giants aren’t even THAT great of a team. They just got hot at the right time – which is what postseason baseball is all about, so kudos to them. The only way to change that is to expand the playoffs and include more teams so it’s more of a marathon rather than a sprint. But I also understand that doing this would cut the regular season short, and I’m not so much a fan of that.

    You just have to embrace the system that is in place – sometimes it benefits you, most times it does not.

    Although, I would be in favor of adding additional wild cards and giving the top two teams in each league a bye in the first round, just like the NFL. It seems to work out pretty well for them, and only having 4 teams in the postseason in each league doesn’t work in today’s sports. Having teams eliminated from playoff contention at the all-star break hurts the game as far as fans are concerned, and it compromises the integrity of the game.

    Maybe with two additional wold cards the Pirates might make a run at a spot :)

  • Arsenal_Giant

    Enjoying the World Series Fillie Phans? Who cares! Go Giants!

  • T

    Isn’t “the machine” the character from the movie 8mm? Same costume….same name

  • Lynniemac

    Pat Burrell isn’t The Machine. Tyler Walker is.

  • Halley

    Brian Wilson = Zangief

  • Milt Thompson

    @129 yeah I love soccer! nice low scoring game, only get one score at a time. Thats the way real winners do it. Keep it up man!

  • Bobby D

    @ 129, you could literally post under any name you choose and you settle on Arsenal_Giant? What’s the purpose of the underscore? Go shit in a sandbox, ya fucking wang.

  • Bobby D

    Also, I think Burrell got the machine suit from John Kruk’s yard sale. I saw it on the rack but the odor… god, the odor…….kept me from trying to sell it on eBay.

  • Kenny Fuckn Powers

    I love all the shit talking on this site!



    ” The DE Contingency says:
    October 28, 2010 at 3:30 pm
    Hi I’m Brian Wilson! I’m so edgy and cool, and I say random things on TV because I’m so complex! I love bands you’ve never heard of, and I’m clearly unique.
    fuck off, fag.”


  • Nick Swisher

    Why doesn’t this surprise me? A former Phillie dressed like that? Figures.

  • maria
  • jared

    hmmm.. no wonder why brian wilson walks so weird all the time…i think he has been taking a little something of pat burrells

  • David

    As a die-hard Giant fan and an intelligent baseball watcher, all these trollish comments embarrass me. Please do not judge all Giants fans by the lowest common denominator that troll Phillie blogs for kicks. But anyway…

    First off, I love B-Weez, and if he was anyone else’s closer their fans would too. He’s a fucking weirdo, but he’s EXACTLY what I want in pitcher tasked to shut down a ballgame. He said it best in the Jim Rome interview. You gotta be a little off, and have that “fuck you” mentality. That’s him in a nutshell.

    As far as the NLCS goes, the Giants overperformed and the Phillies underperformed, simple as that. The Phillies were the better team on paper but the Giants outplayed them, and just like #128 said, that’s playoff baseball.

    Sorry if this series sucks for you guys, but I’m loving every fucking second of the lopsidedness. Not having a title in 56 years will do that to you. It should make you feel better that the national media seems to give just as big of a shit about this as you guys, FOX and ESPN’s crews are absolutely sleepwalking through this one.

    And yeah, there’s a shit ton of bandwagoners over here, but you can’t tell me that a bunch of Phillies “fans” didn’t start coming out of the woodwork when you guys started winning the East consistently, right?

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