Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are here to honor a man who probably doesn’t know where he is right now.

This has been quite a year for you, Jamie! I can remember you telling me how happy you were to receive an honorary doctorate from Holy Family, because you’d actually met them in person once.

By the way, we tried to bring back some of your childhood friends, but our shovels kept breaking.

Some of you may not have noticed, but Jamie has widened his pitching stance considerably over the last few years. Not to increase his speed from the mound, mind you, but to keep from accidentally stepping on his balls.

Jamie loves to entertain his teammates with stories about when he was a boy. His favorite one is the time he finished his homework early so he could stay up and watch the Big Bang. Jamie’s so old he used to babysit Charlemagne. He’s still wondering when they let “Negroes” into the league.

Before coming to Philly, Jamie spent most of his career in Seattle. That was the joke.

Jamie was the last player on the Phillies to get his World Series bonus because he asked for it in coupons.

Something you may be surprised to learn is that Jamie’s favorite television program is “90210,” because it reminds him of how many people were on the planet when he starting playing baseball.

Now Jamie, I know you would like nothing better than to come up here and teach me a lesson for mocking your age, but it’s after 7:00 and I know you’re getting sleepy. That would also explain some of your recent starts.

I know I shouldn’t make fun of a guy who just celebrated winning his 250^th game, but it’s not like he’s going to remember any of this tomorrow, so… Congratulations, you old fuck! Thank you and good night.