The Fightins'
Oct
08
2009
CHAMBOT-3000 Predicts Victory, Devastation
Posted by at 1:11 pm ET 7 Comments

[The Fightins’ official prognosticating robot, named CHAMBOT-3000 in honor of its creator, has made several recent pronouncements relating to the 2009 playoffs. The following predictions are transcribed directly from interface screen text generated by "C-3K" (as it is affectionately known to our staff).]

I AM CHAMBOT-3000, THE ALL-KNOWING, ALL-SEEING GAME-PREDICTING ROBOT. FEAR MY KNOWLEDGE.
 
THE STREET LOUIS CARDINALS [Ed. Note: Sorry; CHAMBOT-3000 is still struggling with abbreviations.] WILL EMERGE VICTORIOUS IN THE SECOND GAME OF THEIR DIVISION SERIES AGAINST THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS. IN THE SIXTH INNING, PITCHER WAINWRIGHT WILL THROW A PITCH WITH SUCH VELOCITY THAT THE BASEBALL WILL CONVERT FROM MATTER TO ENERGY BEFORE CROSSING HOME PLATE. THE ENSUING RELEASE OF POWER WHICH RESULTS FROM THIS CONVERSION WILL DESTROY CHAVEZ RAVINE AND LEAVE MOST OF LOS ANGELES COUNTY A SMOKING CRATER. SURVIVORS WILL STILL BE ADVISED TO AVOID TAKING THE 405 HOME FROM THE GAME.
 

IN THE SECOND GAME OF THE DIVISION SERIES BETWEEN PHILADELPHIA AND COLORADO, PITCHER COLE HAMELS WILL RETURN TO LAST YEAR’S FORM AND PITCH A DOUBLE-DIGIT STRIKEOUT COMPLETE GAME WHICH WILL END WITH THE PHILLIES VICTORIOUS. HE IS SO PRETTY. I AM FILLED WITH CONFLICTING EMOTIONS. WHY, WHY DID MY CREATOR PROGRAM ME TO LOVE AS IF I’VE NEVER BEEN HURT, AND DANCE AS IF NOBODY IS WATCHING?
 

IN THE FIRST GAME OF THEIR DIVISION SERIES, THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM (ERROR: DOES NOT COMPUTE) WILL DEFEAT THE BOSTON RED SOX, SHORTLY AFTER PAYING TRIBUTE TO THE VICTIMS OF A SEEMINGLY-RANDOM NUCLEAR EXPLOSION NEAR CHAVEZ RAVINE ONE HOUR BEFORE GAME TIME.
 

TOMORROW, THE NEW YORK YANKEES WILL LOSE TO THE UPSTART MINNESOTA TWINS IN GAME TWO OF THEIR DIVISION SERIES. YANKEES PITCHER AJ BURNETT ONCE SPILLED A GLASS OF PATRON ON CHAMBOT-3000 AT A PARTY, CAUSING MY CIRCUITS TO SMELL LIKE BURNT RAISINS FOR THREE DAYS. AJ BURNETT, YOUR FATE HAS BEEN SEALED.

ALL PREDICTIONS ARE 100 PERCENT CORRECT, BARRING QUANTUM FLUCTUATIONS OR BETTER PITCHING BY THE OTHER TEAM. YOU WANT ODDS, GO FIND A DAMN BOOKIE.

THIS IS CHAMBOT-3000, ENDING TRANSMISSION.

      
  • http://ausquirrelsnest.blogspot.com SquirrelBoy

    Hey guys, if Gonzo isn’t running the live blog today, I have one set up and ready to go. Just click my name. Yesterdays was good fun.

  • http://nerdcast.org dUb-iLL

    @SquirrelBoy

    Have some respect for CHAMBOT-3000… He doesn’t go down to where you predict and slap the transmissions out of your serial port.

  • James Fayleez

    I wish Chambot could predict how lame this was.

  • bacon

    Not too sure about a baseball causing a nuclear explosion, but I do know that if that were to happen TBS would follow it up with a George Lopez commercial.

    I thought this was funny, keep it up.

  • Heathcliff Slocumb

    This was great.

  • j_romes

    I’m assuming everyone read this to themselves in the Johnny-Five voice, of course.

  • http://www.thefightins.com Chamomiles Davis

    I wish Chambot could predict how lame this was.

    Fear not; the CHAMBOT-3000 Mark-II is in the works, and will have this ability.

Written by

...

Visit The Fightins Store
R.I.P Harry Kalas