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Jul
21
2010
CBP Survival Guide
Posted by at 11:49 am ET 141 Comments

So the fellers over at TiqIQ are looking to put together a survival guide of sorts for Citizen’s Bank Park and who better to help compile such a list than the fine readers at The Fightins? They are looking for such things as where you might find the shortest bathroom line, best concession stands, seats with the worst obstructed view, etc…

They will then put together a top 10 list of the best responses from you guys and gals, the more detailed the better.

A couple things they don’t need tips on:

1. Where the best spot in the 400 level is to get a blowie and not get caught.

2. Best seat to be closest to Greg Dobbs to tell him how badly he sucks ass.

3. Where to purchase a Danys Baez shirsey/jersey.

The person who gets the #1 rated tip in the top 10 list is getting a $50 gift certificate for use on eBay.com, so make it count.

EDIT: Apparently the guys want you to shoot them emails with the suggestions at fightinscontest [at] gmail [dot] com and not leave the suggestions in the comments below. Sorry about that.

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  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    That Nutrisystem worked a little TOO well for Cholly…..

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    best seats for kids sec 317-318

    Phanatic food court chid sized and priced food and drinks right across the concourse.
    Phanatic blowup slide also right there.
    Advance game ticket window and bathrooms also right there.

  • Lynniemac

    Cleanest bathrooms: Hall of Fame Club.

    Best place to get regular ballpark food when sitting in the HOF Club: on the same level, just outside the HOF Club. Everything is cheaper and worth the very short walk.

  • http://wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com TH

    Best seats for fatasses: HOF Club

  • Bud

    If there’s a “what not to do section”…Please don’t wait in line at Brewery Towm for an aluminum bottle of bud light, happens every frickin time I try to go get Victory.
    this should be good though

  • Lynniemac

    No, that would be the Diamond Club.

  • http://biasedopinions-uch.blogspot.com/ Uncle Charlie’s hands

    To impress a ballgirl, seat anywhere in the infield section, and run across the field when Blanton is pitching. Get your ass tased so hard it makes you look badass!!!!!

  • Caitlin

    If you’re in 135-136 and want ice cream, DO NOT go to the place that’s almost right behind your seats. The old women who work there are extremely slow, and it takes almost an entire inning before you actually get to the front of the line.

  • http://phillieslongdrive.com/ Chris

    I’d also like to point out that I have now successfully used “Gooch” and “Blowie” in posts.

  • Xyz

    If I knew where the shortest bathroom line was, why would I tell anyone?

  • kurt

    Best place to exterminate a Mets fan: Section 302

  • will.H

    actually the best time to go to the bathroom is when the visiting team has 2 outs. Unless you’re no a slow ass.. you can get back to your seat by the time the phils bat. Mostly everyone goes right after the home team bats.

  • Capt Murdock

    Least likely site to visit for information on CBP: TiqIQ.

  • will.H

    im not sure if they do it anymore, but a few years back i used to go to the Fantatic FunZone and get 3 hotdogs and a beer for $8.75. They had 1 dollar dogs for kids every night as well as beer for the dads.. its also back when beer was 5.75 rather than 7.25. cheap bastaaads. wait, im cheap too

  • dlhunter

    Wait, why would we do their work for them?

  • http://www.thefightins.com meech.one

    Because, silly, you get a $50 eBay gift certificate.

  • TC

    Best game to defend yourself against tase-happy cops: Charlie Manual Bat Night

  • http://phillieslongdrive.com/ Chris

    Yea guys, $50 on eBay can get you this:

    http://bit.ly/9y9wHV

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Wow Chris, that’s the most expensive dog toy I’ve EVER seen!

  • http://phillieslongdrive.com/ Chris

    @Tony It’s actually part one of a series of over-sized anal beads. Adam Eaton and Rod Barajas signed balls being the next two in the series.

  • http://www.cranktexts.com Adam Eaton

    I’ve signed balls? I don’t think so Chris. Maybe tits. But when J-dashdog whipped out his balls and handed me a sharpie… I couldn’t do it.

  • http://asstoass.org crazy4swayze

    no joke, i have a signed clay condrey plush baseball that he threw into the crowd on fan appreciation night a couple years back. i would never put that treasure on ebay.

    for me, bull’s brick pit bbq is the best all around value- $8 for a delicious and filling pulled pork sammich, hardly ever a line and if there is it moves very quickly.

    as for sarcastic tips, the high and inside pub in the 400 section is the best place to meet 50 year old women who drink wine.

  • PhillyPhanInChi

    Anybody see that the Astro’s picked up Figgy…..Fuck.

  • will.H

    phillyphaninChi, i bet astros fans are thinking the same thing

  • will.H

    but it makes you wonder, are they trying to fill a starters stop that might be vacant by the end of the week?

  • Capt Murdock

    Wait didn’t Figgy clear waivers? What is going on?!?!?!

  • PhillyPhanInChi

    I can’t believe I’m upset about losing frickin Nelson Figueroa but I was hoping RAJ would convince the owners to say fuck the money and DFA Baez and bring Figgy back. Ed Wade is serious about this former Phillie stuff…I mean they even DFA’d former spring roster Majewski…..

  • http://www.fireericbruntlett.com Max

    Anybody know the best place to prepare to run onto the field? What about the best seat to vomit on a kid and her cop father without attracting too much attention? These are the things real fans need to know.

  • Amandah

    Best place to see my sweaty, abused twat while I ride an escalator wearing a denin skirt and no granny-panties….

    While standing in the Schmitter line.

    Speaking of the Schmitter, that special sauce makes my bung hole burn when it comes out the next day. :)

    Regards,

    Amandah

  • http://phillieslongdrive.com/ Chris

    Amandah FTW

  • Brandon Duckworth

    Do you think Ed Wade might want me?

  • Nick

    The Astros STRIKE AGAIN.

  • wheels’ hairpiece

    best deal in baseball = $25 standing room only ticket = Ashburn Alley = Beer and Food concessions within arm’s reach = Heckling opposing pitchers from about 20ft. away as they wam up in the bullpen…priceless

  • http://N/a Section 204

    The shortest line to the bathroom is NO LINE AT ALL! What I do is go to the bathroom from entering the exit on the bathroom and hop on the next pot! There’s never a line there!

  • Crocks

    I always wear a bathing suit to the game so I can just pee in the pool

  • will.H

    wheelshairpiece, its probably pretty tough to keep your spot at the rail when you want to run and get food or take a piss

  • wheels’ hairpiece

    yeah, definitely need a buddy to box out a spot for you

  • will.H

    teamwork

  • Moyer’s Catheter

    Any news on Gramps??? I’d hate to see it end like this for him.

  • 85

    Best spot to jump from when you realize you paid double face for tickets to a Blanton start: Pavilion Deck 310.

  • TiqIQ

    @CaptainMurdoch: Sorry to hear that, but we think Fightins dot com has funny and smart readers, and we so we want to collect all this wisdom (yours included), maybe do a little clean-up, and launch the CBP Survival Guide around the Internet with the gusto of a 9th-inning Matt Stairs uppercut. Next thing you know, your grandmother’s will tell you she heard you did something on The InterWeb. Keep em coming!

  • James Anthony Happ

    Do not trade me!

    Seriously, I rather have Werth + Happ than Oswalt…

  • wheels’ hairpiece

    best place to get an overpriced contract for a geriatric converted catcher turned left-fielder…

    RAJ’s office

  • Phils Phan

    Anyone know how long it takes the Fightins/their manufacturer to make/ship a shirt?

  • wheels’ hairpiece

    best place for a middle reliever/setup man with an era higher than his age…

    the phillies bullpen

  • wheels’ hairpiece

    best place for a madden tournament/kegger…

    phillies bp

  • wheels’ hairpiece

    best place for Mets’ fans to cash in on their life insurance policy…

    CBP parking lot

  • wheels’ hairpiece

    best place to find out what cancer smells/looks like…

    CBP designated smoking areas

  • wheels’ hairpiece

    best place to find pre-pubescent girls who know nothing about baseball…

    section 116/117

  • wheels’ hairpiece

    i meant 106/107

  • uncle cholly

    best place to warm your hands:

    my pants

  • will.H

    so you guys want to hear Tmac and Wheels fill 40 mins of delay time?

  • will.H

    best place to find me, wearing a red charlie manuel or chooch jersey yellin words

  • bigmyc

    that inset pic of the taser kid tweaker is priceless.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Best place for a Gran Torino movie screening?

    The Phillies locker room

  • bigmyc

    Yeah, stay away from the “Shitter”…uh, I mean, “Schmitter.”

    At least the CBP version of that mufafucka.

  • PhilsSuckMooseBalls

    Ready to lose another game. You dumb toothless philly phuckers lmao

  • Jason R.

    Damn, I was going to leave the dumbest, most worthless, pointless comment in the history of the internet, you beat me to it, PSMB!!

  • Lynniemac

    Best place to find me on Friday and Saturday? Somewhere in CBP with a beer in my hand.

  • John Matrix

    Silly blanton, you should know you can’t give up more than zero runs to get a win

  • http://asstoass.org crazy4swayze

    i was about to bitch and say something to the tune of “good thing you didn’t hit for heavy b” or whatevs, but the fact is wheels was right- larussa wasn’t concerned with anyone the phils could’ve brought off the bench. he was going to walk chooch either way. beyond that, how would i have felt when valdez grounded out and then contreras/baez came out and loaded up the bases and romero came in to cough up 2-3 of those runs?

    fuck me.

  • Lynniemac

    You know things are bad when Chris Wheeler FINALLY says something with which I agree.

  • Jason R.

    @C4S

    totally agree. There’s no doubt in my mind the PH would not have hit them in and the pen would have given up at least one run anyway.

  • mr_cee

    you are spot on Lynnie………..it’s a sure sign we’ve just about hit rock bottom

  • http://twitter.com/VotePolanco Vote Polanco

    God damn Joe Blanton is always getting robbed of wins!

  • PhilsSuckMooseBalls

    Another L losers!!!! You suck cock!!!

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    No, we EAT cock.

    And only Eskin does that.

  • PhilsSuckMooseBalls

    Bad news freakin bears!!!! LMAO!!

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Other thread reached it’s limit so I’ll say this.

    Eskin was right about Charlie. Once Charlie’s hitting dried up he’s been exposed as an AWFUL manager.

  • http://twitter.com/VotePolanco Vote Polanco

    Okay so were not that good. There’s always next season I guess.

  • Andrea

    FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!!!

  • PhilsSuckMooseBalls

    Nice offense. Can Oswalt hit also??? Rotfl. Faggot hamels tomor. Should b an easy sweep for the cards

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Seriously, Manuel sucks. Yeah he’s a good personality and all, but he sucks as a manager.

    It all started with “Aaaaaabudeepbudeepbudeep Brad’s mah closer”. And now we’re suffering from ANOTHER year of “Baddddddueepbudeep Brad’s muh closer”.

    He keeps starters in longer than they should, he puts STUUUUUUUPID hitters in the 3 hole. He’s awful.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Come to my site, MooseBalls :(

  • John Matrix

    I think last night I reached acceptence. I accept the phils aren’t very good right now and things will get better(who knows when though) I’m not going to stop watching but I won’t let my blood boil when the shit hits the fan.

    Also fuck Howard eskin, Charlie is a fine manager.

  • PhillyPhanInChi

    I guess 358 posts locks up a board….

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Ubaldo Jimenez! YIPEE!

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    mr_cee @64- Did you mean that since Lynnie was spot on it’s a sure sign we hit rock bottom? I beg to differ as I’m sure she has been right a few times in the past and it didn’t foretell the end of anything. Please don’t ask me to reference those times Lynnie was correct as I’m old and unsure but I know she has been right before. I think.

  • will.H

    damn i missed the other board. must be a max?

  • Greenman!

    hopefully Oswalt can hit as well as Braves fans hit their wives.

  • PhillyPhanInChi

    @ will.H – are you really drinking wine while watching the game? I’m just wondering.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    Yeah PPIC there seems to be a magic number around the 350-360 area. Too bad we can’t delete the mooseballs posts to give us a few more

  • PhilsSuckMooseBalls

    When r u dumb fucks gonna call it a season……pathetic losers. What r u like 8 out now…..sad

  • will.H

    phifaninchi, i switched

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    Greenman don’t you mean hit their sisters? Oh yeah same thing nevermind

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Remember when everyone yelled at me and got pissed off at me for me saying this slump was unending?

    Yeah, I win. =)

    BITTERSWEET AS FUCKING SHIT though…

  • Greenman!

    Tony I think this year its more of “ahhhhahahhhh bump a dum I’ll let Blanton pitch 8, he only had 6 short stacks today, he should be good”

  • will.H

    if i was contreres i woulda hit franklin with an open base. fuck it you know? we’re down 5-1.. piss off that hairy roidin shit

  • J

    Well. This loss is on Charlie.

  • PhillyPhanInChi

    I don’t mind mooseballs to be honest. Because when/if we do come back, he’ll vanish. If we don’t, well whatever. Congrats on wasting your time dude.

    @ will.H. I’m a bordeaux guy myself. But I can’t drink wine unless it’s with food.

  • PhilsSuckMooseBalls

    Watch this 1-2-3 inning…..lmao

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Just get his IP Meech. You have the power to do that.

  • bigmyc

    Wow. This team is just…..beat.

    Oh the phutility.

  • Mark

    Best place to relax and chill with folks who don’t give a damn: Phillies dugout.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    @Mark

    +1

  • bigmyc

    ..aaaaand at Quarterback for your Philadelphia Eagles…#4….Kevin Kolb!

  • Lynniemac

    Dubee: I can’t possibly have ever been right about something baseball-related. I’m a girl. ;-)

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    And a swing and a miss

  • bigmyc

    Most used place to take a dump; the batter’s box.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    I’m trying to get the comment out the same time T-Mac says it. I’ll try again.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    And a swing and a miss…….

  • PhilsSuckMooseBalls

    Meech is to busy blowing the phanatic’s cox! 1 out to go losers!

  • will.H

    we got ‘em right where we want ‘em

  • Tony is Mooseballs

    I’ve told you this team sucks for three months now.

    When are you going to admit your team sucks?

    Don’t interupt when I’m saying this team sucks.

    Fuck you, your team sucks.

    That’s what I said.

    What?

    Huh?

    Errrr?

    Want to come post on my blog?

  • Greenman!

    woah even meech got a shout out from the troll! say me next!

  • PhillyPhanInChi

    Mooseballs – Cox? Like, Bobby? Or are you referring more so to the Phanatic having multiple cocks? And if so….How is that your privy to such info….

  • will.H

    phaninchi, i was drinking it with dinner but i didn’t stop after the game. nice dry red. honestly i switched to vodka like a degenerate. straight warm vodka.

  • PhilsSuckMooseBalls

    What a f’in surprise. 1-2-3 inning. Lmao. Goodnight dick lovers. Another grt night for the losers

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    I’m mooseballs? Eh, at least I don’t suck them!

  • PhillyPhanInChi

    I have 1 hour to decide whether or not to head to the store for more beer right now or to keep working….

  • Greenman!

    and Werth is packing his bags in 3..2…1….

  • Bozo

    How does Charlie not pinch hit for Blanton with the bases loaded who has a tendency to give up leads/runs late? I don’t give a shit if the only right handed bat off the bench was Valdez, you could have used Ibanez or Gload. Speaking of Gload, why on earth hasn’t he gotten more playing time? He seems like he can be a solid hitter and can’t be much worse than Francisco defensively(who swings so hard and tries to hit a home run and hits a weak groundball).

  • Greenman!

    Bozo we were all wondering the same thing…

  • Bozo

    The funny thing is, when I came back up stairs I said if Blanton gives up the lead you can call Charlie a jackass AND THEN CAME THE HANGING CURVEBALL TO MATT HOLLIDAY.

    And also, I realize Werth got a bullshit strike called on him but his at bat with runners on 1st and 3rd was pretty pathetic.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    Charlie keeps Blanton in to implode every game for one reason only.

    He’s in second place to me in our fantasy roto league and he knows that he’ll take over the ERA lead if he keeps Blanton in long enough. Fuck I shoulda traded him to Milt for Victorino when he offered, but I didn’t need solo homeruns at the time.

  • bigmyc

    Yes, but you are right, all you Milt Thompson lovers. Where are all Milt’s accolades when the Phillies hit like the multi millionaires that they are. Where’s the Milt love?

    When Fransisco swings for the seats over and over again, how is it the hitting coach’s fault? I mean, Milt has his hands full with all that state of the art equipment and the mono-tone in game interviews about the Phillies’ hitters’ approach to such and such pitcher. How could he possibly have time to oversee the bad habits of the lineup?

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    So, who wants to go to Reid Street in Elizabeth New Jersey anytime soon? We can go meet MOOSEBALLS!

    Don’t fuck with us, Moosey. :)

  • acasualobserver

    Jayson Werth gets more upset with fans who don’t interfere with a ball in play than he does with himself when he goes 0-26 with 2 outs and runners in scoring position over a three month span.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    I’m impressed by Mooseballs. He’s an ACTUAL New Yorker coming here to troll! Awesome.

  • Bozo

    From the same New York of the New York Mets who are playing as crappy as the Phillies?

  • John Matrix

    Blanton gave up 5, go back and look he’s always done that

  • John Matrix

    I predict any deals fall through and werth stays.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Padres won. At least we didn’t lose ground…?

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Also, this is just a personal request. Anyone who feels annoyed when they see Mooseballs leave a comment, just respond with “Reid Street in Elizabeth, NJ”.

    I get the feeling he’ll shut up rather quickly.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    Eskin has been chomping at the bit for the Phillies to falter. Rather difficult for him to say I told you so when the Phillies were winning.

    To side with him on any matter doesn’t bode well for one’s judgement imo.

  • epiphany1

    I don’t know who said it on here but I think the only thing that will wake this team up is one of them having a “Kobe Moment” when he called out everyone on the Lakers. It seems that whatever Cholly is doing isn’t working.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    @epiphany

    You know who it’s GOT to be.

    Roy motherfucking Halladay, that’s who.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    Who on this team is the equivalent to Kobe on the Lakers?

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Jimmy Rollins, because he’s cocky and black.

    *Runs away Benny Hill-style from Jesse Jackson*

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    Roy Halladay is too new to the team to step forward and berate ring bearing past world champions.

    Just sayin.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    But seriously, Roy Halladay.

    A *STARE* from that man could make someone’s blood run cold. How about a PISSED OFF SPEECH? Got to be him…

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    Ah, but Dubee Dubee Du…

    Halladay left a team that’s doing what we WERE doing to go to a team that was EXPECTED to do what we’re NOT doing.

    I think if anyone has the right to berate, it’s the biggest name the Philadelphia Phillies have brought to the team in over 20 years.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    The only one with any credibility right now is Howard and it’s not in his nature. Rollins isn’t producing, Utley isn’t playing, Polly and Halladay are too recently brought to the team with neither having ever won a WS. Hamels? Be serious.

  • epiphany1

    It can’t be Halladay because he is new. I would say Howard for right now and he would have to include Kobe’s phrase “they’re making us look like bitches out there” and for an even better effect throw a couple of chairs around. Not saying it would work for the Phils but it worked for the Lakers.

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    Roy could try and say whatever he wants but he’s still the new kid in school and until he wins something for or with this team it will go in one ear and out the other.

    Who is he going to reach? Victorino? Werth? Rollins? Ibanez?

    I would love to see Chooch grab some of those fuckers by the ‘nads and shake some sense into ‘em but it ain’t happening.

  • bigmyc

    Maybe Brett Myers can do …. oh….yeah.

    :(

  • Dubee Dubee Du

    Wrong TiD Halladay left a team that never did what this team did. The 90′s don’t count the Toronto players were in Tball then. This team has to gut check themselves. Are they going to fret because Chase can’t play. Are they going to stubbornly continue to do the same poor baseball decisions they’ve been doing? Nobody can grab them by the lapels and shake them out of it.

    Fuck, Pete Rose was supposed to be the difference in getting the Phillies over the top and his first year in Phila. the team didn’t even make the playoffs. The 1980 season even was looking like shit until late Aug. when the Phillies got hot and rode it through to the WS.

    Don’t look for any saviors to come in and light a fire, the fire must come from within.

  • http://paviliondeck.com TonyIsDynamic

    No Dubs, I meant Toronto is scoring runs and leading the majors in homers.

    That’s what we SHOULD have been doing this year.

  • PhillyPhanInChi

    The fact that Howard is so quiet is the exact reason that he should be the one.

    Does anyone else find this whole debate as hilarious as I do…..

  • I’ll puke on you if you tase me!

    Best place to see one dead sexy man: Section 419 row 3 seat 23 on almost any game in the green partial plan!

  • http://www.thefightins.com uncle cholly’s fupa

    diamond club, behind the visitor’s dugout… best seat in the house to see uncle cholly rubbin on me on those hot and humid philly evenings. At least its better then watchin fuckin castro ground into 6-4-3s all cotdamn day.

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