On Tuesday, the Phillies are giving away their second Carlos Ruiz bobblehead. It’s not exactly the best likeness ever, but it’s far from the worst they’ve ever released.
We here at the Fightins have acquired a couple of mockups of some of the other bobbleheads that are in the works for upcoming promotions. These images come directly from my source deep inside the Phillies’ marketing department, making this is a bona fide FIGHTINS EXCLUSIVE POST. You won’t find these anywhere else.
The “Cole Hamels Is Pissed Because He Gets No Run Support” bobblehead
Legendary magazine writer Pat Jordan penned the epic “Thin Mountain Air” for Philadelphia Magazine in 1994. The story pulled back the curtain on the reclusive Phillies’ Hall of Fame pitcher Steve Carlton whose relationship with the media was beyond adversarial. And when I say “pulled back the curtain”, I mean that it showed the beloved pitcher to be a fucking lunatic:
He believes that the last eight U.S. presidents have been guilty of treason, that President Clinton “has a black son” he won’t acknowledge and that his wife, Hillary, “is a dyke,” and that the AIDS virus was created at a secret Maryland biological warfare laboratory “to get rid of gays and blacks, and now they have a strain of the virus that can live ten days in the air or on a plate of food, because you know who most of the waiters are,” and finally, that most of the mass murderers in this country who open fire indiscriminately in fast-food restaurants “are hypnotized to kill those people and then themselves immediately afterwards,” as in the movie The Manchurian Candidate. He blinks once, twice, and says, “Who hypnotizes them? They do!”
…and it just gets weirder from there.
Earlier this month, Deadspin republished the story as part of “The Stacks”, their collection of classic bits of sports journalism. The phrase “must read” gets thrown around a lot, but trust me when I say that this is something you really must read. It’s honestly hard to believe that a guy that popular can be so loopy.
Did you know that the only thing I like talking about more than baseball is television? That’s right, I’m a weird TV geek! I got this idea to compare my favorite kind of shows to the players on my favorite baseball team. So here’s a list of Phillies players compared to current and former cartoons that have aired Sunday nights on the Fox network.
Carlos Ruiz – The Critic
Al Jean and Mike Reiss left the Simpsons writing staff after the show’s fourth season to create The Critic. Voiced by Jon Lovitz, Jay Sherman would become the most realistic and relatable human cartoon character of the early days of the ‘cartoons for grownups’ genre. The show was laugh-out-loud funny and it was really, really sweet at times. It had trouble finding an audience at first, but for two seasons it was some of the best comedy on television. It’s a favorite that I can go back and watch at any time. In fact, as soon as I’m done writing this, I’m going to go watch it again.
The Phillies have rounded the first quarter pole of the 2013 season and it can be tough to get a read on exactly how to feel about this team. I’ve asked two people with two different opinions on the team to share their thoughts with us in the hopes that we can find some common ground.
Providing the fan perspective is Ryan Petzar. Ryan, 27, lives in South Philly. He considers himself a diehard Phillies fan and brags about how, in 2011, he attended 35 games in one season despite not having season tickets. His favorite current Phillie is Roy Halladay and his favorite former Phillie is John Kruk.
Providing our counterpoint is Ryan Petzar. Formerly of ESPN Radio and Philly.com, Ryan is an emerging voice in the Philadelphia sports media. Ryan’s work has been featured in print with the Philadelphia Daily News and the York Daily Record, as well as online at CSN Philly, Yahoo! Sports, and Deadspin. Ryan would not give his age for this story.
Now that we know our contributors, let’s get to the questions.
RP: In general, what’s your opinion of the season so far?
RP: I guess I’m disappointed but it could certainly be worse. As of now, they’re only a couple of games below .500. None of the core players have really been lighting it up, but there haven’t been many outright disappointments yet.
RP: It’s a disaster. Even at three games below .500, they’re a total disappointment. There were a lot of factors conspiring against them at the beginning of the season (Chooch’s suspension, a murky outfield situation, etc.) but they’ve had a pretty soft schedule so far and should have been able to tread water. This team is an embarrassment.
The Phillies beat the Indians at home last night 4-3, you think.
The Phillies, who were coming off of a big long west coast road trip, played their first game that fans saw in a long time last night. Most fans, having not really been willing to stay up past midnight for the past week, tuned in to see some young pitcher the team called up at some point to pretty good.
The starting pitcher for the Phils, some young white kid, did pretty good and pitched, like, at least six innings. This white kid, who you think came right from Double-A, allowed a bunch of hits but no home runs, at least none that really mattered, you know?
Indians hitters, wait, it was Cleveland right? But they were just in Clev- Yeah, no, it was definitely Cleveland hitters that didn’t really do much offensively though so it’s hard to tell if the Phillies pitcher was really good or not. Cleveland is one of those teams that sucked for a long time but they’re kinda getting good now.
But pitching wasn’t the whole story last night, as the Phillies’ bats finally started to make some noise. Domonic Brown hit a solo shot in, like, the sixth, you think, after the Indians changed pitchers. Ryan Howard also hit a home run, too. Unless that was Mayberry. You don’t remember. It was definitely one of the tall, black guys. Someone also hit a triple but they didn’t score and actually that might have been a guy on the Indians.
Papelbon came on in the ninth to get the save. De Fratus, who you didn’t know wasn’t still hurt, was one of three relievers used in the 8th because Mike Adams wasn’t available. The status of Mike Adams is still uncertain, unless they announced something after the game because you missed postgame because your wife wanted to watch The Voice on the big TV downstairs.
The Phillies play the Indians again tonight, you assume because last night was the first game of the series. Because you haven’t seen him for a while, you think lefty Cole Hamels probably pitches for the Phillies tonight. He’s, like, 3-6 on the season. You have no fucking clue who starts for Cleveland tonight.
My brain doesn’t work very well. Sometimes it hardly works at all. Other times it works in ways I can’t possibly explain.
So don’t bother asking what came over me when all of a sudden I was consumed entirely by a single burning question: How do they decide which cops get to work the sidelines at sporting events? And then, once the officers are selected, what’s it like to be there?
Fortunately, living in the age of social media makes it pretty easy to get any question you may have answered. In this case, all I had to do was send a tweet to my very favorite member of the Philadelphia Police Department, Detective Joe Murray.
According to a study released today by the Pennsylvania Order of Office Personnel, worker productivity in the Philadelphia region is down 37% the day after a Phillies game that ends after midnight. The press release goes on to state that productivity continues to nosedive an addition ten percent for each consecutive late-night game, making West Coast roadtrips like the one the team is currently on particularly damaging to employers and the economy as a whole.
It’s pretty cool to know that by us fans all banding together and watching the Phillies we can make Philadelphia just a little bit more miserable for rich business owners everywhere. I salute you, Philly.
When it comes to Roy Halladay’s last couple of weeks, it’s tough to separate emotion from critical thoughts especially for fans of the team. We watched a guy who was, for a long time, one of the best – if not the best – pitchers in the game transform into something not at all very good.
I saw a colleague of mine, one whom I respect and think highly of, tweet about how she wanted a refund for her tickets yesterday and she wanted it from Roy Halladay. Now, obviously, she doesn’t expect Roy to give her $60, but I understand the emotional underpinnings of the joke: Roy Halladay knew he was hurt, knew that something was wrong with his shoulder, and he kept going out there for his last three starts and it took an embarrassingly public shelling for him to admit that something was wrong. I can see how you’d be pissed off if you witnessed that.
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