The Fightins'

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Jul
22
2013
Posted by at 9:57 am ET 2 Comments

You’ve done it.

You’ve staked your flag with a picture of your own smirking face on the peak of intelligence; You’ve scaled the mountains of baseball knowledge and social media to become the smartest Phillies fan in the world.

But how will people know?  How can they possibly tell the scale of your grand, patronizing smarts, unless you harp on them for thinking the Phillies could have won?

But wait! Aren’t you a Phillies fan? Shouldn’t you be rooting for the team?

No way! You may be a Phillies fan, but you’re a smart, cool Phillies fan – not one of these mindless sheep who hope the team does well and wanted them to win today like a bunch of fucking saps.

Look at them, over there.  Sapping it up.  They probably have both hands on the keyboard, not even writing anything intelligent enough to jack off to while simultaneously typing.  How primitive. Read more »

      
Jul
11
2013
Posted by at 9:59 am ET 1 Comment

So many players to choose from this year!  Well, five; like every other year.

But still, the decision still has to be made, and you could just vote for all of them at some point, but why take the coward’s way out when you can use any of these fine reasons that are not secretly insults.

Ian Desmond

You like being told what to do by Nationals fans.

You play fast and loose with the rules too, when it comes to facial hair.

You enjoy the sound of the Nationals’ broadcast team tongue-bathing their entire lineup.

Read more »

Jun
11
2013
Posted by at 10:00 am ET Comments Off

philly.com

J.P. Crawford descends the steps into a basement.

Tug Haines and Zoo With Roy sit quietly at a table in front of a 20 or 30 others, all arranged in high school-style chair/desks.

J.P.:  Whoa.

TUG: Hello, J.P.  Welcome to mom’s basement.

J.P.: Ha ha, wow, I just thought that was an old cliché.

TUG:  It was.  Then she got the basement finished and it was far more appealing than all of our apartments and houses.  That, plus our natural inclination to seek subterranean dwellings.  They’re closer to the earth’s core, so that we may stay warm, get our 20 hours of daily rest before blogging.

J.P.:  Makes sense.

TUG:  Yes it does.  Let’s begin. Read more »

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Jun
05
2013
Posted by at 11:44 am ET 3 Comments

Can you imagine if we lived in a world where umpires were accountable for their actions?  Last night, Bob Davidson made a runner interference call on Ben Revere so egregiously vacant of an actual violation, he reignited Phillies fans’ passion for channeling their self-loathing onto a singular third party.

Fortunately, a transcript of the exceedingly rare press conference with Davidson following the game was made available to this web site after I made it up.

[.gif, as with all .gifs, comes from Bill Baer]

Read more »

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May
29
2013
Posted by at 1:04 pm ET 1 Comment

fans

It is a cloudy day in Philadelphia.  The Sports Complex is a desolate place; empty parking lots, vacated stadiums – only the ghosts of sun-bathed tailgates are here.

A small family – Dad, Mom, and Son – are making their way down the sidewalk; tiny figures in the grand emptiness.  The dad wears a three-cornered hat from a gift shop.  The mom wears a bonnet.  Their arms are full of bags of souvenirs.

The dad leads them up to the left field gate and gazes in at the empty stadium. Read more »

May
21
2013
Posted by at 10:00 am ET Comments Off

Jamie Moyer was asked to give a commencement speech at Immaculata this weekend, which he did.  However, some earlier speech notes indicate he was going to take the bull by the horns and beat the haters to the clichés he’s mostly known for – being old and throwing the ball very softly.

moyer-grad

 

Using that classic Jamie Moyer delivery, it’s safe to say he would have killed it. Read more »

May
16
2013
Posted by at 12:30 pm ET 3 Comments

bryceharpershow

Camera moves in on Bryce Harper amidst canned applause. Harper, wearing a dirtied Washington Nationals baseball uniform, nods grimly.

BRYCE:  Hello, everyone, and welcome to this talk show I do now.  We’ll be talking about cool things like baseball, phenoms, clowns, and becoming a caricature of yourself based on several buzzwords and stories by the national media.

Raucous applause.

BRYCE:  Today on the show we’ve scheduled Nationals head trainer Lee Kuntz. Read more »

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May
13
2013
Posted by at 10:30 am ET Comments Off

WTF3 copy

Trevor Bauer!  Patrick Corbin!  Paul Maholm!

These mighty behemoths of the game are the opposing pitchers who can now taken down our Phillies’ lineup.  In the coming weeks, the Phillies will face even more pitchers, some even worse.  And they, too, shall probably keep the offense a muddled, confused mess.

Let us then get to know our enemies, so that we may tremble at their painful mediocrity. Read more »

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