First, let me say that I hope your respective teams’ off-seasons are going well. By now, Chipper Jones has probably bagged his fourth or fifth ten-point buck, and Jason Varitek is putting the finishing touches on his backswing. Sounds nice and relaxing, doesn’t it, and why not? Those fellas worked hard. They’re not sitting around feeling miserable about what might have been, so why should you?
Now, I’ve seen a few things here and there while perusing the ol’ blogosphere lately that have me a bit concerned. It seems that many of you who happen to be fans of teams like the Red Sox and the Mets have decided to root for the Phillies to beat the Yankees in this World Series. In your collective wisdom, you and others like you have reached the conclusion that because they are considered the lesser of two evils, the Phillies are worthy of your support.
Speaking as a Phillies fan, I would just like to say this in response: Take that support and cram it far, far up into your ass. We don’t want you rooting for our team. Fuck off. Really.
This has nothing to do with you liking the Phillies. Quite the contrary. This has everything to do with despising the Yankees. More than a few of my baseball-following friends feel the same way. They flat-out HATE the New York Yankees.
But I don’t. In fact, I grudgingly respect the Yankees for maintaining a successful organization for such a long period of time. Think about it: Since 1921, the Yankees have appeared in forty World Series. Forty! That’s almost one every other year.
In 2000, the Mets and Yankess met in the latest incarnation of what pundits call “The Subway Series.” The Yankees won that series, and I was happy. Do you know why, Mets fans? Because I rooted for them. And do you know why I did that?
BECAUSE I HATE THE FUCKING METS. ALWAYS AND FOREVER. I WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER ROOT FOR THE METS TO WIN ANYTHING AS LONG AS I LIVE. I don’t care if they’re playing Satan for control of the Earth. Goooooo SATAN! In short, screw the New York Mets with a rusting rocket ship. So why the hell would you root for our team?
I guess I should also admit that I kinda sorta rooted for the Yankees to win in 1996 and 2003. I did not enjoy watching the Marlins — a team that has never even finished first in its own division, mind you — hoisting a second World Series trophy. In just ten years of existence, they accomplished what it took the Phillies 125 years to do. That sticks in our craw like a ice cream scoop full of peanut butter. Meanwhile, the Braves are just a boring team in a town full of indifferent fans who can’t even sell out Turner Field when their team goes back to the playoffs for the eighty-ninth year in a row. But I still hate them. I don’t want you Atlanta fans rooting for us, either. Go practice that stupid tomahawk chop.
(Nationals fans can root for us, though. You’ve suffered enough.)
No matter how much I may dislike another team (*cough*NewEnglandPatriots*cough*), I would NEVER root for any team from my own division, let alone conference, to win a championship at the former’s expense. Fucking David Tyree. But I digress.
This type of phony endorsement reminds me of when the Sixers beat the Celtics in 1982 to advance to the NBA Finals (versus the Lakers). Boston fans and L.A. fans do not like each other’s teams, naturally, and they consider their rivalry to be far superior to any other, the pricks. So as the final seconds wound down in the deciding game of the Eastern Conference Championship Series, Celtics fans began chanting, “BEAT L.A.! BEAT L.A.!” Not because they wished us well, but out of hope that they could bask in the schadenfreude of a Lakers defeat.
Well, the Sixers lost, assholes. So there.
In closing, I want you non-Phillies fans out there to keep your phony support out of our World Series. Your desire to stick it to a hated franchise vicariously carries the stench of personal failure, and it’s too cold around here to open a window. We among the faithful don’t need your misguided love. We already have the genuine article, and it will sustain us. If you really, truly love your own team, then do what I’d do and root for a meteor to level Yankee Stadium during Game One.
- 700 Level
- Crashburn Alley
- High Cheese
- House That Glanville Built
- Philadelphia Will Do
- Philled In
- Philly Gameday
- Philly Gossip
- Phoul Ballz
- The Good Phight
- The Insider
- The Zo Zone
- Where's Weems?
- Who Does He Play For?
- Zoo With Roy