The Fightins'
A Quick Guide to the NL Final All-Star Vote
Posted by at 9:59 am ET 1 Comment

So many players to choose from this year!  Well, five; like every other year.

But still, the decision still has to be made, and you could just vote for all of them at some point, but why take the coward’s way out when you can use any of these fine reasons that are not secretly insults.

Ian Desmond

You like being told what to do by Nationals fans.

You play fast and loose with the rules too, when it comes to facial hair.

You enjoy the sound of the Nationals’ broadcast team tongue-bathing their entire lineup.

You have crippling self-doubt issues.

You know Nationals fans won’t do it anyway.

[MLB gifs]

Hunter Pence

You live in South Jersey.

You’re a big fan of “quirks,” the silver lining of a last place team.

You need Pence to have as much exposure as possible or else you’re going to be stuck with 800 packages of year-old Liscio’s bread with his face on them.

You were driving this bus, and now feel a soft spot for any living thing that moves like this.

Yasiel Puig

You’re such a great hitter in your softball rec league that you are literally personally insulted when they walk you, too.

You like being told what to do by ESPN.

There’s something about legions of baseball columnists using a player as a reason to write more of those “plays the game the right way” stories that makes just want to not leave the apartment all day, and stay at the computer and write all-caps insults at anyone who hints Puig shouldn’t be an All-Star.

You’re also too cool for Luis Gonzalez.

You’ve always felt like Jay-Z had his eye on you, too, being a cool guy with a web site.

You just really, really like being told what to do.


Adrian Gonzalez

Do you guys think when we have robot umpires they’re going to receptive to hugs?  They can’t feel emotions, guys.

You don’t know who Yasiel Puig is.

You live in Canada.

You don’t really believe he can win, either.

You get why home runs are cool, but you’re “old school,” you prefer that classic, one base-at-a-time technique, the way the game was meant to be played.

You’re really into the Dodgers’ “Buy every player” strategy and looking forward to the “Moneyball” book equivalent to their revolutionary strategy.

Freddie Freeman

You currently have a crayon stuck in your nose.

You eat buckets full of slop for dinner.

You don’t think spelling a name with “-ie” instead of “-y” makes it the “girl version” at all.

Sometimes you collapse without understanding how it could have possibly happened, too.

Hey, that’s not a crayon! It’s a plastic miniature Tauntaun figurine!  That’s just where I keep it.


  • James_Fayleez

    I can’t stop watching/laughing at that Pence gif. What a goof he is.

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R.I.P Harry Kalas